Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to the authors of this fic. The Harry Potter stories were all created by J. K. Rowling. Please do not think that we are in any way putting down her books by mangling the situations in them. We love the Harry Potter books! The characters were borrowed from various anime series. We'll put them back when we're done, even if they are a little worse for wear.

Heero: ::pointing a gun at Rapunzel:: Omae o korosu.

Rapunzel: Eep! Don't kill me! M.E. was the one who started all this!

M.E.: It's all Rapunzel's fault!

Rapunzel: Well, M.E. and I are still debating as to whose fault this is. I say it's her fault for drawing the Heero Potter picture. She says it's my fault for inspiring her to draw the picture by saying that your hair sticks up like Harry Potter's.

Heero: In that case, I'll kill both of you.

MPF: I don't think you can.

Heero: Why not?

MPF: Because they're both fanfic writers and are therefore all powerful.

Rapunzel and M.E.: Yes!! Ha ha!

(Heero glares at them and then stalks off to find someone else to kill.)

Duo: Poor Heero. I would hate to be stuck in one of your parodies.

M.E.: Actually, Duo, you and Woofy both have main roles in this fic too.

Duo and Wufei: What?!

M.E: Yup! And guess what, Woofy?

Wufei: That's not my name!!

M.E.: Yes it is, now shut up. You get to play Hermyowninny!

Wufei: Huh?

Rapunzel: She means you're playing Hermione.

Wufei: NANI?!?!? I'm playing a girl?!

M.E.: Yup!

Rapunzel: Poetic justice. ^_^

(Wufei facevaults. Duo looks apprehensive.)

Duo: What are you going to make me do?

Blue Jeans: You'll find out.

Duo: I'm not playing a girl too, am I?

Blue Jeans: You'll find out.

Rapunzel: The cast list will be at the end of the fic. Until then, the readers will have to guess who is playing which character. The cast is not limited to Gundam Wing characters, but I'll try to make it easy to tell who is who.

Blue Jeans: Can we start the fic yet?

M.E.: Not yet, we need to get Suboshi.

(The MPF appears dragging Suboshi behind her.)

MPF: Found him!

Suboshi: What do you want with me?!

Rapunzel: You're the narrator.

Suboshi: Why me?

Blue Jeans: Because you did such a good job in M.E.'s last parody. Now let's get on with the fic already!

Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Heero Potter.

Heero: ::points a gun at Suboshi:: What do you mean "little?"

Suboshi: Hey, don't get mad at me! I'm just reading the script here!!

(Gemini appears and whacks Heero on the head.)

Gemini: There will be no threatening of the narrator!!

Heero: Hmph.

(He lowers the gun. Gemini disappears and Suboshi starts reading again.)

Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a young boy named Heero Potter. He had dark hair that stuck out at odd angles, and glasses with tape in the middle to hold them together after Heero had blown things up in his face. Also, on his forehead was a lightning bolt scar which did not come from having things blow up in his face. Heero had had this scar for as long as he could remember. He lived with his uncle, Vernon Dursley, who was very old, with weird glasses-like things over his eyes and a mechanical arm. He made Heero do all the work.

Vernon Dursley: Okay Heero. Go blow up that OZ base.

Heero: Hai.

Narrator: ^.^;; Anyway, this went on for several years, until one day, a strange letter came for Heero.

Vernon Dursley: I'll take that strange letter that came for you, Heero.

Heero: But it's for me.

Vernon Dursley: It might be a letter bomb.

Heero: If it was, you'd make me open it.

(Vernon Dursley burns the letter.)

Heero: Hey! That was mine!

Vernon Dursley: Forget it. I need you to wipe out some OZ mobile suits. Get going.

Narrator: This went on for several days. Each day, more letters would come for Heero, and each day, his uncle refused to let him read them. Heero hacked into Vernon Dursley's computer, just in case the writer had tried e-mailing them, but with no luck. Finally, after several days of letters, a visitor came instead.

(Someone knocks at the door.)

Vernon Dursley: Who's that?!

Heero: A visitor. Weren't you listening to the narrator?

Visitor: (pounding on the door) Would ya let me in already?!

Vernon Dursley: Go away!

(The visitor breaks down the door and comes in anyway. He has red hair, golden eyes, and fangs.)

Vernon Dursley: I demand that you leave at once!

Visitor: Shut up, why don't ya. Lekka Shinen!

(After being fried to a crisp, Vernon Dursley retreats to the corner. Heero is watching the visitor cautiously.)

Visitor: There ya are, Heero. Bin lookin' for yeh.

(Heero pulls out a gun and points it at the visitor.)

Visitor: Hey! Don't point that thing at me! I'm just here ta give ya yer letter!

(Heero lowers the gun cautiously.)

Heero: Who are you?

Visitor: My name's Hagrid, and I'm the gamekeeper at Hogwarts.

Heero: Where?

(Hagrid facevaults. Heero just looks confused.)

Hagrid: Ya don't know about Hogwarts?!

Heero: No.

Hagrid: (facevalting again) Well, in that case, I guess yeh'd better read yer letter.

(He hands Heero a letter. Heero opens it and begins to read.)

Dear Mr. Potter,
You have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Heero: Witchcraft and wizardry?

Hagrid: O' course. Yer a wizard. Didn't ya know that? Yer famous cause o' that scar on yer forehead. Ya got it when the evil wizard killed yer parents attacked ya.

Heero: Evil wizard? Who?

Hagrid: I'd rather not say his name.

Heero: Why not?

Hagrid: 'Cause he sacred people so much. His name was... Voldemort. Most of us just call him Rapunzel, 'cause his hair was so long.

(Rapunzel appears looking pissed off. She smacks Hagrid.)

Rapunzel: Don't insult the authors!!

Hagrid: Why not?

Rapunzel: Because we can think of plenty of ways to pay you back.

(She smiles evilly and vanishes, leaving Hagrid looking rather pale.)

Hagrid: Anyway, he was called "You-Know-Who." He tried to kill ya when ya were a baby. But ya survived, and he disappeared, so yer famous.

Heero: ...

Hagrid: Anyway, I'm here ta help ya git yer school stuff ready.

Vernon Dursley: He's not going anywhere! I need him to help me destroy OZ!

Hagrid: I told ya ta shut up! Lekka Shinen!

(Vernon Dursley is fried again by Hagrid's metal fan, and he promptly shuts up. Heero is eyeing the metal fan Hagrid is holding.)

Hagrid: So anyway, do ya want ta come?

Heero: Would that school teach me how to call flames from a fan like you did?

Hagrid: I dunno. I guess so.

Heero: I'll go.

Narrator: And so it was decided that Heero Potter would attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Hagrid took him to a wizard's market called Diagon Alley to get his school supplies. While they were there, Hagrid got him something else...

Heero: What is it?

Hagrid: It's an owl for carryin' yer mail.

Heero: This isn't an owl. It looks more like a penguin.

Hagrid: Who cares? It'll still carry yer mail. It's name is Hedwig.

Hedwig: Pu!

Heero: ...

Hagrid: Next we need ta git ya yer robes.

Heero: Robes?

Hagrid: That's right.

Heero: But I like the clothes I have on now.

Hagrid: Ya mean ya like wearing spandex?!

Heero: ...

Hagrid: Ya gotta have wizards robes for Hogwarts.

Heero: I'm not wearing robes.

Hagrid: Yeah ya are, now c'mon.

Narrator: And so they went to the robe shop to get Heero's clothes for school. It was there that Heero met a new person whom he was to see again.

New Person Whom Heero Is To See Again (NPWHITSA): Hello. Are you going to Hogwarts too?

Heero: (shrugs)

NPWHITSA: Do you play Quidditch?

Heero: (shrugs)

NPWHITSA: What school house are you going to be in?

Heero: (shrugs)

Hagrid: Oy! C'mon! We've gotta git yer wand now.

(Heero leaves the robe shop, pausing to look one last time at the new person whom he will see again. This person has long blond hair and cold blue eyes. There seems to be some sort of blue symbol on his forehead.)

NPWHITSA: Bye.

Narrator: Heero and Hagrid went off to get Heero's new magic wand from Mr. Ollivander, the wand maker.

Mr. Ollivander: Hello.

Hagrid: Waitaminute! Yer the narrator!!

Mr. Ollivander: ??

Narrator: Amiboshi!! What are you doing here?!

Mr. Ollivander/Amiboshi: I don't know. I'm just here to fill in the minor roles.

(M.E. appears and scowls at both of them.)

M.E.: Get back to work!! This is not a social hour!

(She stalks off, muttering to herself.)

M.E.: Grumble, grumble, stupid sibling chitchat, grumble, annoying characters, grumble...

(She turns around, shooting a glare at Suboshi.)

M.E.: And give me that orange tunic!!!

(Her fellow authors pull her out of the script before she can cause more damage. Her cries are heard in the distance for quite some time afterwards.)

M.E.: ...I want the tunic...nooooo....don't give the tunic to Amiboshi, give it to meeeee!!! (or is it M.E.?)

Heero: (pointing at an object in Mr. Ollivander's grasp) Is that a wand?

Mr. Ollivander: This? No, that's my flute. I'll go get some wands for you to try.

(Mr. Ollivander puts away his flute, taking out a long, wooden stick. He hands the wand to Heero.)

Mr. Ollivander: Go on, try it.

( Heero looks at the wand, then at Mr. Ollivander. Then back at the wand. Having not had a normal childhood, he has no idea what to do with it. However, he is reminded suddenly that wands are supposed to be able to cast Spells of Evil Intent- or at least Minor Mischief. He turns to Mr. Ollivander, holding the wand like a gun and pointing it at the shop owner.)

Heero: Omae o korosu.

Mr. Ollivander: Ummm... okay... (Translation: This boy is scaring me. Help. Please. Now?)

Narrator: After what seemed like hours, Heero was finally able to get one of the wands to produce a small shower of sparks.

Mr. Ollivander: Great! We've finally found the right wand for you! ^.^

Heero: ...where are the switches?

Mr. Ollivander: Huh?

Heero: And the self-destruct button? Where's the self-destruct button?

M.E.: And now... Fuzzy Foz's Fun Facts!

Rapunzel: Heero is a maniac. He operates Gundams and is constantly trying to self-destruct. Unfortunately (for him), it never works.

M.E.: It is generally believed among the fans that Heero is unable to operate any heavy machinery (or other Items of Mass Destruction) which are not equipped with self-destruct buttons.

Blue Jeans: Ano, M.E.? Didn't the Epyon not have a self-destruct button?

M.E.: ...So I haven't seen the entire series!!! Stop picking on me!! (pout)

MPF: We will now return to our regularly scheduled fanfic!

Mr. Ollivander: There is no self-destruct button. -_-;;

Narrator: You tell him, Aniki!!

Rapunzel: Suboshi!!

Narrator: Okay, okay. Stick to the script, I know... Anyway, Heero had to get used to the fact that his wand didn't self-destruct. Hagrid gave him a train ticket from platform nine and three-quarters for September first. However, when September first came...

Heero: There is no platform nine and three-quarters.

Narrator: Thus, Heero was stranded. Since he was a guy, it was against his nature to ask anyone for directions.

MPF: Yes, even anime is realistic at times. ^.~

Narrator: ...Back to the fic at hand...

Kindly-Mother-Like-Woman (KMLW): Hello dear, do you need help finding anything? ^_^

Heero: ...

KMLW: Let's see, what platform are you trying to find?

(The KMLW glances over Heero's shoulder, getting a good look at the train ticket he is clasping in one hand.)

KMLW: Oh! Platform nine and three-quarters! That's where we're headed.

(She gestures to a rather large group consisting of two redheads (one female, one male, the male being the taller of the two), a boy about Heero's age with long chestnut hair, a slightly older boy with black hair (nearly identical to the red-haired girl), and a young girl with long, light brown hair. They resemble a circus troop. (blinks) Say, where's Trowa? ^.^)

Heero: ...

KMLW: Going to Hogwarts, are you? First year? It's Ron's first year too.

(The KMLW drags over the boy with the long hair.)

Ron: ACK! Oh... Why do I always get stuck with the Females With Violent Tendencies?

(Ron winces and makes a big scene when his mother proceeds to procure a mallet from thin air and whacks him on the head with it. She then turns back to Heero.)

KMLW: Need some help getting on the platform, dear? Just follow me.

Heero: ... okay.

(The KMLW leads Heero over to the barrier between platforms nine and ten. She then proceeds to pull him through the barrier and onto platform nine and three-quarters.)

KMLW: Here we are.

(She waits as the rest of the group comes through the barrier, then starts counting them.)

KMLW: Where are Fred and George?

(At that very moment, the boy with the black hair and the red-haired girl come through the barrier. They look even more alike now that they are side by side, especially since they have their hair pulled back in identical pigtails. )

KMLW: There you two are. Listen, I want you to behave yourselves. I don't want to get any more owls about you two getting in fights or blowing things up!! And absolutely no more putting holes in the ceiling!!

Fred and George: (with their fingers crossed behind their backs) Sure, Mom.

(Heero, hearing this, decides that maybe the boy and girl aren't so bad. Then he tries to bring his trunk onto the train.)

Fred and George: Hi. Need help?

(With their help, Heero gets his trunk stowed in a compartment. However, during the process, they notice his scar.)

Fred and George: Are you Heero Potter?!

Heero: Yes.

KMLW: Fred! George! Come here! You haven't said goodbye to your sister yet!

Fred and George: Hey, Mom!! Guess who's on the train? Heero Potter!

(Fred and George's youngest sister's blue eyes light up at this comment.)

Youngest Sister: Heero Potter?!! Really?! *.*

KMLW: That's nice, dear. Now hurry up, or the train will leave without you.

(She gives the boy and girl a hug and a kiss. Their sister starts pouting.)

Youngest Sister: I want to go with you!

KMLW: You can't dear, you're too young.

Fred and George: Don't worry, Ginny. We'll send you pieces of the school after we blow it up!

(The KMLW produces another mallet, and whacks them both on the head.)

KMLW: You will not!!

Fred and George: All right! All right! Bye!

(Heero loses sight of them as they get on the train again. The train leaves. A moment later, the door is opened, and Ron, the boy with the long chestnut hair, appears.)

Ron: Hi. Is there any room in here? I need a place to sit.

Heero: (grunts)

(Ron takes this for a yes, and sits down. Then he notices the scar on Heero's forehead.)

Ron: Wow!! Are you Heero Potter?!

Heero: Yes.

(At that moment, Fred and George appear.)

Fred: Hi Heero. I'm Fred Weasley. This is my twin sister Georgina. Everyone just calls her George for short.

George: (gesturing at Ron) This is our youngest brother, Ron.

Fred: We'll be further up the train if you need us.

(They leave. Ron watches Heero and starts playing with his long braid.)

Heero: Who was that other boy in the station with you?

Ron: (making a face) That was my older brother Percy. He just got made a prefect, so he's been showing off.

Heero: How many brothers do you have?

Ron: Three. The oldest one has graduated already, as well as my older sister. I hate being in a big family. All I ever get is hand-me-downs.

Heero: One of you brothers must have had a thing for black clothes.

Ron: (blushing slightly) The clothes are mine, actually. I like black.

(They continue talking, or rather Ron does. Heero, never one for social situations, simply sits and listens. As Ron apparently likes talking, this goes on for hours, until they are interrupted by voices from backstage.)

Wufei: I tell you, I won't do it!!

Rapunzel: Oh yes you will! It's my fic, and you'll do what I tell you to.

M.E.: Ditto.

Wufei: There's no way I'm wearing a dress!! I don't care whose fic this is!! I've already taken too much grief from you people!

MPF: Oh, come on. We haven't been that mean to you (yet).

Wufei: Oh no?! Then who changed the name on my dressing room door to "Woofy?"

(There is a pause, and then M.E. begins to whistle innocently.)

Wufei: I won't comply with your schemes a minute longer!

Blue Jeans: Wanna bet?

(Ron shuts up as he and Heero listen to the sounds of a noisy scuffle from backstage. Then there is the sound of someone unrolling duct tape, and Wufei's yells suddenly stop. There are a few moments of silence, then the authors start debating.)

Gemini: Don't you think the shoes are going just a little too far, Rapunzel? I mean, Hermione never wore high heals in the books.

M.E.: Damn the books!! Full speed ahead!!

(The MPF pokes her head into the compartment where Heero and Ron are sitting.)

MPF: What are you guys waiting for? Get on with the scene.

Ron: Um, what is the scene exactly?

MPF: Huh? Oh, yeah. Oops. Hang on a minute.

(She vanishes. A moment later, the door to the compartment is opened by a young man dressed in blue, whose blond hair is almost as long as Ron's. Next to him is an extremely disgruntled looking "girl" with very straight black hair. She is wearing a tight dress and high heals. To add to her annoyance, they can all still hear the authors snickering in the background.)

Girl With Black Hair: Has anyone seen a toad? Neville's lost his.

(She points to the blond boy, who sniffles.)

Neville: I don't know where he is! He just keeps getting away from me!

Ron: Nope, haven't seen one. Who are you guys anyway?

Girl With Black Hair: My name is Hermione Granger. This is Neville Longbottom.

Neville: Well, please tell me if you find my toad.

(They both leave, Hermione still tripping over her high heals. She begins cursing under her breath.)

Hermione: Damn the authors! Especially the blond one!

(She turns to glare at M.E., who is out of the range of vision.)

Hermione: Omae o korosu!

Heero: Hey! That's my line!

Hermione: Deal with it.

(As Hermione leaves, she is shoved aside by another student, this one entering the compartment.)

Person-Who-Heero-Was-Warned-That-He-Would-See-Again: I heard that Heero Potter was on the train, but I didn't expect him to be associating with muggles.

Heero: What are muggles?

(Ron and the Person-Who-Heero-Was-Warned-That-He-Would-See-Again both facevault.)

Ron: Oh, come on! Everyone knows that muggles are people who don't use magic!

Heero: Oh.

Person-Who-Heero-Was-Warned-That-He-Would-See-Again: My name is Draco Malfoy. You'd better learn pretty fast that muggles and muggle-lovers like the Weasleys are not the sort of people you want to be around.

Ron: Repeat that!!

Malfoy: My name is Draco--

Ron: We heard you the first time! I meant to say, I dare you to repeat that!

Malfoy: I accept. My name is Draco–

Ron: AARGH!! This guy is going to drive me to the brink of insanity!!

Narrator: However, Ron was saved from insanity (though it is questionable as to whether anyone who willingly participates in this fic is sane to begin with)–

Ron: I didn't willingly participate!! I was blackmailed!

Narrator: Really? You too? What do they have on you?

Ron: ...

(M.E., Rapunzel, Gemini, Blue Jeans, and the MPF all flash victory signs, thumbs-up, and Vulcan peace symbols before yelling at the characters to get back on track or they _will_ tell what they used to blackmail them with.)

Narrator: Eep! Anyway, Ron was saved from insanity by a streak of black and white. All were amazed to see that a large, black and white rat had attached itself to Malfoy's nose. It didn't look like it was going to be letting go anytime soon. Ron, though it was against his better judgment, detached the rat from its hanging place– but not before first rolling around on the floor, laughing, for a good five minutes.

Malfoy: I'll get you for this, Weasley! And your little rat too!

(He storms out. Heero remains unfazed, keeping his face composed in its normal, coma-like appearance. He points to the rat, which Ron is now holding protectively.)

Heero: What's that?

Ron: This is Scabbers. He's my brother's old pet rat.

(Heero eyes the now sleeping rat. It looks less like a rat than a small panda. He is still studying it when the door opens and Hermione comes back in, accompanied by the still-toadless Neville.)

Hermione: What's all the noise about? What have you been doing? Don't make trouble now, we're almost there.

Narrator: And, sure enough, a few minutes later, the train stopped and everyone got out. Hagrid was there to greet them, and he took them in boats across the lake. It was only then that Heero got his first glimpse of Hogwarts.

Other students: Wow...

Heero and Hermione: Hmph.

Narrator: The students were taken into the hall to be sorted into school houses by a woman with black hair, who was introduced as Professor McGonagall.

Professor McGonagall: Please get in line and wait until your name is called.

Ron: I hope I'm in Gryffindor. All my family was, and my mom will have a fit if I'm not.

(He shudders as a mental image of his mother, mallet in hand, appears.)

Heero: What's Gryffindor?

Ron: Huh? Oh, it's one of the school houses. The other three are Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Which one do you want to be in?

Heero: I don't care.

(The authors suddenly pop up, looking worried.)

Rapunzel: Oh yes you do.

Heero: Why should I?

Blue Jeans: Because Slytherin has OZ spies in it?

(Heero's eyes light up at the prospect of a mission. It is plain that, now that Blue Jeans has said that, Heero wants to go to Slytherin.)

Gemini: Great going, B.J.

Blue Jeans: Don't call me that!

Rapunzel: Think fast. Think fast.

Gemini: Hey, Heero. There's a computer in Gryffindor.

(Heero's eyes light up again, this time even brighter than before.)

M.E.: Computer? Computer!! MINE!! MINE!!!

Rapunzel: NO!!

M.E.: (pout) Mean Rapunzel.

Rapunzel: Yup.

(The authors breath a quick sigh of relief and leave the scene, still talking and dragging M.E. behind them.)

Blue Jeans: But there is no computer in Gryffindor.

Rapunzel: Shh!

MPF: I guess we could always put one in...

M.E.: Computer?

(Rapunzel whaps M.E. upside the head. Their voices trail off. Everyone is distracted shortly thereafter by Professor McGonagall bringing in an old, battered hat, which she sets on a stool. As everyone watches, the hat begins to sing...)

Hat: Escaflowne! Escaflowne!

(The authors come storming back in, looking pissed.)

Ron: Damn! I though we were finally rid of them.

Authors: (to the hat) Stop that!

M.E.: You guys got the part on the condition that you wouldn't do that! Now shut up and start sorting!

(The authors leave yet again, hopefully for a longer stretch than before.)

Professor McGonagall: When I call your name, come up here and put the hat on.

(She begins to call names. Heero notes that the first boy to become a Gryffindor is a blond boy with large blue eyes named Seamus Finnagin.)

Authors: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Seamus Finnagin: (looks rather pale) What was that?

Heero: It sounded a lot like the authors squealing.

(Hermione is the next Gryffindor to be sorted. Neville also becomes a Gryffindor. Ron is standing next to Heero with his fingers crossed.)

Professor McGonagall: Heero Potter!

Everyone else in the hall: Heero Potter?! *The* Heero Potter?!

(Heero walks up to the stool and puts the hat on. There is silence for a moment, then the hat starts to sing softly in his ear.)

Hat: Escaflowne!

Heero: Shut up.

Hat: I don't know where you want to be, but I'll get creamed if I don't put you where the authors want you to be, so I'll put you in GRYFFINDOR!

(Heero takes off the hat and goes over to the table where all the other Gryffindors are sitting. He watches the rest of the sorting, until a boy named Dean Thomas is sorted to be a Gryffindor. Dean is tall and slender, with green eyes and brown hair and bangs that defy gravity. No sooner does Dean take off the Sorting Hat, than M.E. appears and begins to pat him down.)

Seamus Finnagin: Hey! What are you doing?!

Dean: ... (Translation: Help. Please. This nutcase is scaring me.)

M.E.: Finished!

(She retreats backstage, where she is heard conversing with her fellow authors.)

Rapunzel: Did you find it?

Blue Jeans: Whad'ya get?!

M.E.: Let's see... we have a gum wrapper, a paper clip, some pocket lint, and...

Rapunzel: I don't believe it! It's his circus mask!

Other Authors: Burn it! Burn it!

M.E.: Wait! Think how much money we could make selling it to the fans.

Rapunzel: But many of the fans can't stand that mask.

Dean: ... (Translation: Hey! I need that!)

(M.E. appears.)

M.E.: We'll return it to you, if you give us your Quatre plushie.

Dean: ... (Translation: No way!)

M.E.: As President of the SQFC (Squealing Quatre Fan Club) and Self-Appointed Chaser of Your Quatre Plushie, I demand that you give it to me! I know you have one.

Dean: ... (Translation: I'm not admitting anything.)

(M.E. gets ready to pat him down again, but Dean has apparently had enough. He punches M.E. so hard that she skids across the floor and backstage to the other authors. Her voice drifts back as she vanishes.)

M.E.: Just you wait! I _will_ get your Quatre plushie!!

Dean: ... (Translation: I'd like to see you try.)

(Dean comes up to the Gryffindor table and sits down next to Seamus. Finally, Ron is sorted into Gryffindor, and the ceremony ends. It is then that Heero notices that he has inadvertently sat down next to the ghost of a boy with long, black hair. This ghost turns to him.)

Ghost: Ah! At last! Shampoo, my love!

(The ghost then tries to glomp Heero, but fails because he has no real body and he simply falls through. Needless to say, Heero is annoyed by this.)

Heero: Omae o korosu.

Ron: You can't. He's already dead. I've heard about this guy from my brothers. This must be Nearly Sightless Nick, the resident ghost of Gryffindor.

(Voices from backstage are heard.)

Blue Jeans: Ano, I thought it was Nearly Headless Nick.

Rapunzel: Minor plot discrepancies.

M.E.: Not to mention budget cuts.

(The ghost proceeds to put on a pair of ghost's glasses with big, swirly lenses.)

Nearly Sightless Nick (NSN): Oh. You're not Shampoo. Sorry. You haven't by any chance seen a small pink and white cat running around, have you?

(Heero lifts his eyebrow in his infamous Stare Down Even Death Gaze', and NSN decides that maybe he had better go and seek information about his beloved elsewhere. Just then a hush falls over the hall. Everyone looks towards the high table, where a balding man wearing sunglasses and outrageous Hawaiian-print robes has just sat down.)

Heero: Who's that?

Ron: That's the headmaster, Dumbledore. I've heard rumors that he builds gigantic robot-things as a hobby.

Hermione: Where did you hear such a ridiculous thing?

Ron: Um, from the twins?

Hermione: And you believed them?

Ron: Um, well...

George: Of course! Our little brother knows he can always count on us!

Ron: Gee, thanks. I think.

Dumbledore: Welcome everyone, to another year at Hogwarts. Let us begin the feast!

(Food magically appears on the tables, and everyone eats. At the end of the feast, Dumbledore gets up to make a few announcements.)

Dumbledore: I would just like to warn you students that there are certain parts of the school that are off limits. These include the forest, and the corridor on the third floor. And now, to bed.

(The group gets up and is led towards the dormitory by the orange haired boy who was with Ron in the station. Heero quickly identifies this person as Ron's older brother Percy. Percy is striding along up the corridor when a water balloon suddenly bursts on his head.)

Percy: PEEVES!!

(A teenage boy appears, floating in mid air and smirking at them.)

Percy: Now you've done it Peeves! I, Percy the Prefect, shall-

(Percy's speech is interrupted as Peeves drops another water balloon on him.)

Fred: You guys will get used to this sort of thing after a while. Percy is waging a constant war against Peeves, but he never wins.

(Just the, the ghost of a teenage girl with short brown hair appears. She gives Peeves the Evil Eye'.)

Girl's Ghost: Peeves! Behave yourself!

Peeves: Hai! Whatever you say! O.O

(Peeves vanishes. Heero turns to Fred and George.)

Heero: Who was that?

Fred: Oh, that was the Bloody Baroness. She's the resident ghost of Slytherin. No one is sure how she died, or how she ended up in Slytherin, since she certainly doesn't belong there. I guess that was the only open spot for a resident ghost by the time she came along. She's a good person to have around, since she's the only on who can control Peeves. Plus, she's really cool!

Narrator: They soon stop in front of a large painting of a rather surly looking and questionable man.

Painting: Konnichi wa! Who is it? Why it's the new prefect, Percy, may I come in? Certainly, go right ahead!

Percy: We really need to get Dumbledore to assign us a new portrait hole guardian. This one is starting to get on my nerves.

Narrator: They are ushered inside, where the company retires to their respective rooms. In the tower of Gryffindor, Ron, Heero, Seamus, Dean, and Neville set about putting away their "stuff."...speaking of stuff, has anyone seen my ryuu-seisui? I just set them down for a minute while taking a break, and when I came back, they were gone!

Rapunzel: M.E.!

(M.E. slinks into the shadows, a silly grin on her face as she snickers quietly to herself. Low murmuring escapes her mouth, and occasionally the words "tunic," "psycho yo-yo boy," and "one day, it shall be mine!" are heard.)

Rapunzel: We'll deal with her. Just get back to reading the script!

(She stalks off to reprimand her childish coconspirator. Back in the tower, Ron is hanging a poster on the wall displaying several wizards in black robes flying around on broomsticks. Across the room, Dean is tacking up a poster which portrays acrobats performing dangerous feats while wearing truly hideous clown half-masks.)

Authors: ::shudder::

(Dean points to Ron's poster.)

Dean: ... (Translation: What's that?)

Ron: Oh, that's my favorite Quidditch team, the Death Scythes.

Dean: ... (Translation: But it's all about circus acrobats wearing truly hideous clown half-masks.)

Ron: Them's fighting dots, mister!

(Rapid exchanges of words and dots ensue.)

Narrator: Meanwhile...

Heero: Hn. I thought that there was a computer in here.

(Authors slink into shadows to join M.E. Heero turns to the authors.)

Heero: Omae o korosu.

Blue Jeans: ::sigh:: *.*

(Rapunzel and M.E. promptly whack her upside the head. Heero, realizing that he is on his own as far as the computer is concerned, pulls out his laptop.)

MPF: He even brought that thing here?!

Blue Jeans: Of course. This is Heero we're talking about here.

M.E.: Computer?

Gemini: How much do you want to bet that if we don't get that thing away from him right now, he'll skip his classes to work on it?

Rapunzel: This calls for drastic action!

(The authors engage in said action, and there are a few minutes of confusion and struggling during which the authors continually have their lives and well-being threatened. However, Heero is outnumbered five to one, and M.E. has been motivated by the prospect of having the laptop to herself. Seamus, Dean, Ron, and Neville all watch as the authors emerge victorious.)

M.E.: Computer!

Heero: That's mine!!

Blue Jeans: You mean it was yours.

Heero: You stole it!!

MPF: We didn't steal it; we liberated it. I'm a member of Laptop Liberation Front.

Other authors: You're a member of the Everything Liberation Front.

M.E.: And I'm a member of Those Who Benefit From the Laptop Liberation Front.

(The authors exit the room, still gloating gleefully over their prize. Heero begins plotting revenge as he and his companions get ready for bed. Soon, the lights are turned out, and all the beds have occupants, with the exception of one. Seamus's bed remains empty because he has elected to spent the night with Dean.)

Authors: Awwww...

(Hearing the authors, Seamus sits up and looks around nervously. Soon however, he goes to sleep like everyone else.)

Narrator: When the morning came, Heero got up with the rest of his roommates and prepared for his first day of school. After eating breakfast in the great hall, he went off with his companions from Gryffindor to their first charms lesson. Charms was taught by a wizard named Professor Flitwick, who had blue hair and wore a smiling mask and a cone shaped straw hat. He began the period by calling role. Things seemed normal, until he got to Heero's name.

Professor Flitwick: Heero Potter, no da?! DAAAAA!!

(Professor Flitwick proceeds to alarm the entire class by going SD and running around as a chibi, yelling "No da!" at regular intervals.)

Heero: -.-;;

Narrator: Throughout the week, Heero went to many different classes and was introduced to many different teachers. Professor McGonagall taught Transfiguration. The Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was a strange man with a painted face and an elaborate headdress. He was called Professor Quirrel. Professor Sprout, the Herbology teacher, was a quiet, young wizard with long black hair. Heero's History of Magic class was taught by Professor Binns, a ghost of a young woman with short brown hair and glasses.

Blue Jeans: Waitaminute!! How did she get here?!

MPF: AAHHHH!!

M.E.: Well, we had some difficulty finding someone to play Professor Binns. In the end, Rapunzel and I decided that there was just one person capable of doing the job properly.

M.E. and Rapunzel: That one person is: our ninth grade history teacher.

Rapunzel: Contrary to popular belief, we fanfic writers do have some compassion...

(The characters snort and make other sounds of disbelief.)

Characters: Prove it!

Rapunzel: (ignoring them) Therefore, our teacher shall remain nameless throughout the fic, and shall be referred to only as Professor Binns.

Professor Binns: Lecture, lecture, lecture, wonders of Western Europe, lecture...

Authors: ::shudder::

Narrator: ^.^;; Anyhow, Heero later met his Potions teacher, Professor Snape. Snape wore odd red robes and had triangle shaped purple hair. Despite the fact that he appeared to be blind, he could tell which student was which and where in the classroom they were. Much to Heero's annoyance, Snape seemed to take an instant dislike to him.

Snape: Heero Potter! Behave in my class or I'll turn you into a chimera!

Ron: But he wasn't doing anything wrong!

Snape: Silence! Five points from Gryffindor!!

Narrator: Heero was relieved when the weekend came. Since he had nothing else to do, he and Ron went to see Hagrid.

Heero: (knocking at the door of a small hut) Hagrid! You in there?

Hagrid: Yeah! Hold on a minute!!

(As he opens the door, several enormous black wolves come charging out. Heero and Ron both look apprehensive, but Hagrid simply yells something, and the wolves turn into slips of paper with writing on them. After gathering the papers together, Hagrid invites them in.)

Hagrid: So, how's yer first week of school been?

Heero: ::shrugs::

Ron: Oh, aren't we Mr. Social. (rolls eyes)

Hagrid: Heero, who's yer friend?

Heero: Hn? Oh, he's Ron.

Ron: ...the long suffering second youngest of the widely feared Weasley tribe. Toiling over the years on an endless and useless struggle to somehow have my talents realized, and I'm "just Ron"?! Ha! Some friend you are... (mopes)

Rapunzel: He's good at that.

M.E.: He forgot the "Bambi Eyes", I'm better.

(She demonstrates, turning the feared "Bambi Eyes" (also known as the patented Sensitive Bishoujo Stare) on Rapunzel.)

Rapunzel: Da horror! Da horror! FRED PRESERVE ME!!!

(M.E. bows and drags the still ranting Rapunzel into the background.)

Hagrid and Ron: We fear the authors, for they are mighty.

Gemini: The pen is mightier than the sword! ^.^ Or even the Gundam!

Hagrid: So, yer another of the Weasley bunch? I sure hope yer not as much trouble as your older brother and sister... Nice kids, but...

Ron: ...you wouldn't want to live with them. Yeah, yeah, I know the drill...

M.E. (in background): Entire island is solid concrete, nothing grows except for little square in center of island.

Rapunzel (whaps her upside the head): Stop making bad Stan Freeberg impressions!!

(Heero, who is bored after listening to Hagrid and Ron discuss the twins, picks up a nearby newspaper. He reads the headline, then does a double take, going into Perfect Soldier Mode '. Ron notices the change.)

Ron: What's up?

(Heero shows him the paper.)

Ron: Wow! Someone actually managed to break into the wizard's bank?! That's impossible! Hey, what's this bit about the vault belonging to Hogwarts having already been emptied?

(Heero and Ron both look at Hagrid, who whistles tunelessly and tries, without much success, to look innocent.)

Ron: (poking Hagrid) Hey! I'll bet _you_ know what's going on here.

Hagrid: I dunno nothing.

Heero: That's a double negative. That means you must know something.

Hagrid: K'so!

Ron: Leave it to him to point out the technicalities of grammar.

Heero: ...

Ron: So what was in that vault anyway, Hagrid?

(He puts on a cajoling smile in an attempt to elicit information. This method works better than Heero's style of flat out interrogation and grammatical details.)

Hagrid: I'm not telling you a thing! You two leave the Sorcerer's Stone alone! It's safe enough right here! Last thing we need is to have you two finding out about... Oops.

Ron: Of course! We'll just be going now.

(They leave Hagrid wondering how he managed to make such as foolish mistake. As they are walking up to the castle, Heero turns to Ron.)

Heero: What is the Sorcerer's Stone?

Ron: Got me.

(They arrive back at the castle, only to be greeted by the unwelcome news that they will be starting flying lessons the next day with the Slytherins.)

Ron: Well isn't this just peachy?!

Seamus: It can't be that bad, can it?

Dean: ... (Translation: Oh yes it can.)

Heero: Hn.

(The next day, they head outside to their first flying lesson. Their teacher is Madame Hooch, who is short with red hair. A piece of her hair sticks up in the front, and instead of a broom, she has an oar.)

Mme. Hooch: I'm going to demonstrate with the oar, but the basic ideas are the same as with a broom. Mount you brooms please!

(There is a great deal of snickering from the boys in the crowd over the word "mount," but they all get on their brooms and get ready to take off.)

Mme Hooch: You will all take off...

(Neville takes off.)

Mme Hooch: ...when I blow my whistle.

Neville: Oops.

Mme Hooch: What are you doing? Come down!

Neville: I can't fall, can I?

Mme Hooch: Only if you let go.

(No sooner has she said that than Neville lets go. He falls to the ground and lands on his head, but doesn't sustain much permanent damage, as there was never very much to damage in the first place. However, Mme Hooch insists on taking him to the school nurse, Mme Pomfrey.)

Ron: To bad it's him and not my brother Percy. Percy really has a thing for the school nurse.

Mme Hooch: None of you are to leave the ground while I'm gone, okay?

(She leaves with Neville next to her. After she's gone, everyone just stands around for a moment until the authors come out. M.E. has Heero's laptop, and is happily editing pictures on it.)

Authors: What are you all waiting for?

(Malfoy, who is in the Slytherin's class, sees the laptop, and the image of himself that M.E. is working on. He runs and grabs the laptop from her, then escapes into the air on his broom as she attempts to take it back.)

Malfoy: The last thing you people need is more computer time!

Heero: That's mine! Give it back!

(He gets on his broom and pursues Malfoy.)

Ron: Go Heero!!

Hermione: Come back down here, Potter! It would be unjust to make the entire class get in trouble all because of your reckless actions!

Authors: Shut up already with the justice stuff!!

Hermione: Hmph.

M.E.: COME BACK HERE, SPANDEX BOY!! THAT LAPTOP IS MINE!!

(Since her author form has wings, she attempts to chase after them and retrieve the laptop. However, her fellow authors all jump on her to prevent her from interfering.)

MPF: Just leave them be. They're supposed to have a fight scene soon anyway.

M.E.: Get...(gasp) off...of me... Too heavy...(wheeze) Damn the conspiracy!!

Malfoy: You want your laptop, Potter? Go get it!

(Malfoy hurls the hapless piece of machinery through the air in attempt to destroy it. His plan fails because Heero dives after it and manages to recover it. It appears that he has already mastered the use of a broomstick, but then flying a broom can't be more difficult than flying a Gundam.)

Hermione: Get down here!! You'll get everyone in trouble!

Ron: He's only in trouble if someone sees him.

Professor McGonagall: (right on cue) POTTER!!! What do you think you're doing?!

Seamus: What did you do, jinx him?

Ron: Oops.

Heero: (glaring at Ron) Thanks a lot.

(During the confusion, the MPF manages to sneak close enough to Heero to "liberate" his laptop again. Since he is under the eagle eye of Professor McGonagall, Heero is unable to do much more than glare and threaten her.)

Heero: Omae o korosu.

MPF: Sure you will, sweetie.

(She blows him a kiss, and then the authors depart, leaving Heero to face the music alone. Mme Hooch returns to find her class in chaos and one of her students being held under the watchful eye of Professor McGonagall.)

Professor McGonagall: I'm sorry Madame Hooch, but it appears that I'll have to borrow one of your students for a short time. It seems that young Potter here has a hard time obeying the rules.

Ron: But... Professor! You don't understand, Heero was just trying to-

Professor McGonagall: That's enough, Weasley.

Ron: He didn't do-

Professor McGonagall: WEASLEY. You will be quiet.

(Professor McGonagall gives Ron "I am a mother-figure and you WILL fear me" glare.)

Ron: Y- yes, Professor McGonagall, sir. o.O

Narrator: And so, after deciding that it wouldn't be worth the effort to resist her grip of steal, Heero quietly followed the irate Professor to her office.

Professor McGonagall: Potter, did you not hear Madame Hooch when she specifically told you not to leave the ground while she was gone? I have the mind to confiscate your flying privileges for at least two months. However–

(There is a knock on the door, and a young man, probably in his final year at Hogwarts, walks in.)

Young Man Probably In His Final Year: You wanted to see me Professor?

Professor McGonagall: Ah, yes. Wood, I'd like you to meet Heero Potter. Potter, this is Oliver Wood. Wood is the captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

Wood (formerly the YMFY): Unfortunately, our team hasn't done very well in the past few years, and I'm beginning to think that we'll never win the Quidditch cup while I'm captain. ::sniffs dramatically::

B.A.D. (Brief Authorial Discussion)

Rapunzel: All right people, we have accidentally (really!) done a Bad Thing. The person who we've cast as Wood is from a series that we're very not familiar with.

M.E.: Though it does have a hot bishounen! *.*

Rapunzel: ::whacks M.E. upside the head:: Since we really don't know much about this character, he's going to be very generic for now. At this time we would like express our sincerest apologies for any out-of-character actions that "Wood" may make.

Blue Jeans: ::sniff:: It's soooo sad!! My poor, poor Ken-ken... T.T

Rapunzel: ::whacks her upside the head::

M.E.: Omi?

End of B.A.D.

Professor McGonagall: I must say Potter, I've never seen someone take to a broom so naturally before- one would think it was merely an extension of your body. To be able to catch that laptop with one hand while holding on to the broom with your other...

Wood: Let me put it to you straight, Potter. How would you like to be the Gryffindor Seeker?

Narrator: Heero was astounded and flattered by Wood's offer, and when he went back to his room he could hardly contain his joy.

Heero: Hn. Why would I want to get involved in some weird supernatural sport?

(In the wings, the authors think quickly– well, all except for M.E., who is busily tapping away on Heero's laptop. Seamus, Dean, Ron, Hermione, and the other Gryffindors in the common room of the tower ignore them.)

Rapunzel: Just think of the opportunity you're being offered, Heero! Quidditch requires one to have fast reflexes as well as fast thinking. By playing the game you'll improve all of your senses- why, I wouldn't be surprised if you destroyed OZ mobile suites five times faster after a couple seasons of hard-core Quidditch training!

(Heero's eyes light up in the way that only the eyes of psycho-soldier-boys-dreaming-of-humongous-explosions can.)

M.E.: AT LAST! AT LAST I'VE DONE IT!!

(An obviously ecstatic M.E. dances around in the author-wings. She is (literally) floating with happiness- the result of her over-exuberant wing flapping. Rapunzel, after pulling her comrade-in-arms back to earth, glances over M.E.'s shoulder at the laptop.)

Rapunzel: What did you do?

M.E.: ::winks:: I finally cracked into this password-protected file on Heero's laptop.

Heero: What?!

(The authors, of course, ignore him. The other students, however, walk over to the author wing, interested.)

Blue Jeans: How did you do that? You don't know how to hack into things... you just know how to get into trouble using Photoshop.

M.E.: Well... I figured out his password.

Gemini: Really? What was psycho-boy's password?

M.E.: ::with drama:: "How many times must I kill the little girl and her puppy?"

Hermione: ?? (Translation: What's up with her?)

Rapunzel: Blue Jeans, I swear, you really shouldn't have let that girl watch Endless Waltz.

M.E.: ...the password was "puppylove". (Her eyes widen as she realizes what Heero has been keeping in his folder) This...this is...

Other authors: What? What?

M.E.: ...lemon fics.

Other authors: WHAT?!

Students: WHAT?!

Heero: ...

M.E.: Lots and lots of lemon fics. Geez, these are all the fics that we can't read because they're in Aestheticism... Hey, Heero found out the password for Aestheticism! Cool... *.*

Rapunzel: Ooo! Ooo! Any 3x4 or 4x3 fics?

Dean: ... (Translation: !!!)

Seamus: What?!

Rapunzel: Hey, I'm a fan ^.^

Narrator: Any fics with me and Yui-sama? *.*

(Blue Jeans punts him into Kingdom-Come.)

Blue Jeans: Hentai.

M.E.: ...actually, most of it's 1x2 and 2x1...

(Everyone turns to look at Heero and Ron.)

Ron: Hey, hey! It's not what you think– really!!

(Heero pulls out a short cylinder from his pocket. It looks a lot like a RDD (Remote Detonation Device).)

Heero: You guys shouldn't read those. You're under 18 and minors where you live.

MPF.: (to side) Oh, and I suppose Heero, who is 16 (and supposed to be 11 in this fic...) isn't underage...

Heero: For the good of people everywhere, this must be done.

(He pushes the button on the RDD. The laptop explodes, sending authors and students alike flying through the air.)

Rapunzel: Who would have suspected that he outfitted his laptop with a semi-self-destruct button?

All authors (and possibly some of the students): Omae o korosu.

Heero: Hey, that's my line!

M.E.: >:P

Rapunzel: I think you just lost any rights to complain about our treatment of you after that last stunt.

Other Authors: Yeah!! >:P

(Not one of them bothers to mention the fact that they were the ones who had started the whole thing, as they are all too upset over losing the chance to read the forbidden lemons. They walk off to tend to their burns, muttering and plotting.)

MPF: He has to know the password. Do you think we could get it out of him?

Heero: Mission accomplished. New mission acknowledged: destroy the authors.

M.E. (in background): Cool! He wants to kills us ^.^

Ron: Forget about the authors. We've got a problem. After you left, Malfoy told me to tell you that he wants you to meet him tonight in the trophy room for a duel.

Narrator: Anyone could have told Heero that this was a bad idea, however it would have been useless to do so. Never one to turn down a challenge, Heero set out for the trophy room at 11:50 that night. Ron had elected to go with him, and also, for some reason best known to herself, Hermione accompanied him.

Hermione: A duel, hm? I wouldn't have thought of Malfoy as being chivalrous enough to bother with duels, but...

(Her train of thought abruptly crashes as she trips over someone lying in the hall. The person yelps, then sits up and blinks at them. They blink back.)

Ron: Neville, what are you doing here?

Neville: I forgot the password. Hey, where are you going? Can I come?

Heero: No.

(Neville ignores him and follows the group anyway. They reach the trophy room, but it is empty except for a small pink and white cat.)

Ron: Oh no! Run!

Hermione: Why?

Ron: That's Miss Norris! She's the caretaker's cat, and wherever you see her, Filch the caretaker can't be far behind.

Neville: Is Filch bad?

Ron: Bad?! The twins say she's horrible! They call her the old ghoul and say she's always following them, threatening to marry Fred off to her granddaughter!

(Miss Norris spots them at that moment and lets out a yowl to alert Filch to the presence of rule breakers.)

Ron: Run!!

(The group takes off down the hall, Neville and Ron both getting dragged part of the way by their hair. They reach the forbidden corridor on the third floor and run in there, slamming the door behind them and hoping that Filch won't guess where they've gone. However, they soon realize that Filch is the least of their worries.)

Ron: Um, Heero? We've got company.

(In the floor, there is a trapdoor, and standing on the trapdoor, there is a man with white hair, golden eyes, and dog ears. He is wielding a large and rather nasty looking sword.)

Ron: That's it! I'm outta here!!

(Once again, the group takes off at a run, this time back the way they came. They eventually reach the portrait hole.)

Painting: Konnichi wa! Who is it? Why, it's some new students, out wandering in the middle of the night when we should be in bed. May we come in?

Hermione: Just shut up and let us in!

Painting: What's the password?

Ron: Tasuki. Now may we come in?

Painting: Why, of course!

Narrator: After the night's adventure was over, two things became apparent to both Heero and Ron. Number one was that Malfoy had tricked them and tried to get them into trouble. Number two was that, what ever the Sorcerer's Stone was, they now at least knew where it was. However, neither of them could think of anything to do about the stone, so they decided to leave it alone. Life continued as normal around the castle, with the exception of Heero starting his Quidditch practices. The ball Wood wanted him to catch was about the size of a golf ball, so they practiced using golf balls. The only problem with this was that Heero tended to shoot the balls in mid air rather than catching them.

Wood: If you shoot the snitch in the actual game, we're gonna be up a creek without a paddle.

Heero: Hn.

Narrator: Aside from Heero having to learn not to use golf balls as target practice, there were no major disturbances until Halloween night, when a vertically gifted (though somewhat mentally declined) troll with limp bluish purple hair and an ego as big as the MPF's bust appeared.

MPF: Hey!! I'll have you know I'm mighty proud of that bust!!

Narrator: ^.^;; Anyway, the appearance of the troll sent the school into chaos. All the students were heading back to the safety of their dorm rooms, when Ron and Heero realized that Hermione was not with them. Naturally, they decided to go look for her and warn her about the troll.

Heero: Why would we do that?

(The authors appear to cajole Heero into playing his part once again.)

Gemini: Hermione's your teammate. You can't just abandon her.

Heero and Ron: Hmph!

Rapunzel: Hey Heero. If you find Hermione and rescue her from the troll, I'll give you a new laptop.

M.E.: What?! Why give it to him?!

Blue Jeans: You're undermining all of our fine work!

Heero: I don't believe you.

Rapunzel: I swear on my honor as a fanfiction author that I will give you a laptop if you succeed in your task.

Ron: That's a joke! Everyone knows that fanfiction authors have no honor! Just ask Hermione!

Rapunzel: Fine! I swear it on my hair! You ought to be able to understand the sanctity of that promise.

Heero: Ninmu ryoukai.

(As he and Ron set off to look for Hermione, the authors carry their dispute backstage.)

Gemini: What in the world are you thinking, Rapunzel?! Give him a new laptop?!

Rapunzel: I just said we were going to give him one, not let him keep it. Who knows, he may download more lemons for us to read.

M.E.: But he'll change his password! And after I went through all the trouble of finding out the old one!

Rapunzel: His new one will probably be something equally simple. Think of the possibilities...

Narrator: While the authors discussed their devious schemes, Heero and Ron went off to find (and possibly save) Hermione.

Heero: Why do we have to save the girl?

Ron: Because, as the designated "gentlemen" of this story, it is our obligation to take care of any females in distress. Including really annoying and scholarly ones that have an over-developed sense of justice. Plus, it's a mission.

Heero: Ah.

Narrator: After wandering aimlessly through the halls of Hogwarts for several minutes, the two boys found Hermione at last. Unfortunately, in finding Hermione, they found the troll.

Troll: GRAW!! Geez, why do I have to be the troll?

Gemini: Do you really want to complain about being the troll? Think of all the other parts we could have you do...

Troll: Eep! Er, GRAW!

(The troll, trying to act menacing, towers over an indignant Hermione, who is waving her wand in a threatening manner at the troll.)

Hermione: Cease this act of injustice! There is no fairness in you trying to squish me, as you are five (six) times my size! It is most dishonorable.

Ron: Okay... I thought Hermione could hold her own, but apparently I was wrong.

Hermione: Back, foul beast of little intelligence!

(The troll, obviously insulted by Hermione's insult upon his intelligence, pulls out a small, red and white ball.)

Narrator: ::blinks:: Must be some type of magic device thingy.

Troll: Ha! You think you can mock the great and mighty Ja– um, TROLL! Prepare to face the horror of my unholy magic!!

(Ron nudges Heero, who is standing just standing there. While it might appear that the boy isn't trying to do anything, closer observation reveals that his muscles are tense, ready to pull out a gun at any moment from wherever he keeps his gun when he isn't using it...)

Ron: Watch, this is going to be classic. Anyone with that much ego will inevitably cause their own downfall. Percy does it all the time.

Troll: VICTOREEBEL!!!

(A large, pitcher-plant like thing appears from the ball. Unfortunately for the troll, it automatically turns around and engulfs his head.)

Troll: EEEEEEEEEEE!!!

(Heero pulls out his gun at last, and, after one carefully aimed shot, takes out the troll.)

Heero: Mission accomplished.

Ron: ::sweatdrop::

M.E.: Hey, have you ever heard Hazewriter's theory that the best way to have a Pokemon evolve is to have the troll kick it?

Rapunzel: ::whacks M.E. upside the head::

M.E.: Mean 'Zel-chan... ::pouts::

Blue Jeans: Zel-chan?! WHERE!!

Rapunzel: Don't call me that!

M.E.: HOT YURI ACTION!!!

Rapunzel and Blue Jeans this time: ::whack M.E. upside the head::

(The authors now return their attentions to the cast, which was trying to sneak away while the authors were distracted with their own... umm... things...)

Gemini: Hey, come back here, you! We didn't dismiss you!

Ron: Darn, and we were so close this time too...

Hermione: So close, and yet... so very very far.

Professor McGonagall: POTTER! WEASLEY! What in the hell do you think you're doing?!

Ron: Umm... trying to escape from the authors?

Hermione: Professor McGonagall, it's not like you can really hold it against them- who wouldn't want to escape from the authors (especially the blonde one)?

Professor McGonagall: ::"Glare O' Death"::

Hermione, Ron, and Heero: ::cower:: ...we are not worthy...we are not worthy...

Professor McGonagall: I have the mind to go and think up some really nasty punishments to inflict on you after this stunt, Potter, but, since you did manage to get rid of the troll (in your own...unique...way, I might add), I'll let you slide this time.

Narrator: And so, our young heros (and heroine) managed to once again escape almost certain death through wile, cunning, and–

Ron: –a great belief in self-preservation.

Narrator: After the wonderfully exciting–

Hermione: –and stress-inducing–

Narrator: –activities on Halloween, Heero discovered the disadvantages of being on the Quidditch team– and why one should never– ever trust the authors.

Heero: I have to do _what_?

Wood: Be our Seeker in the upcoming Quidditch game.

Fred: It's a well known fact that all professional sports are glorified in very dangerous (and bloody) "games". As a member of the Gryffindor team, I can't wait for this week's match!

George: Yup! ^.^

Heero: Hn.

Narrator: The day of the match arrived, and Heero had still not managed to think of any way to get out of the match. Well, actually, he had thought of several ways, but the authors had managed to thwart all of them.

Gemini: I swear, we need to keep better track of our explosives. If it wasn't for the fact that he grabbed Duo's self destruct mechanism (which everyone knows never works) the Quidditch field would be toast by now.

Rapunzel: To say nothing of the other players.

Narrator: So, Heero had no choice but to play in the game. Despite the fact that Ron, Seamus, Dean, Hermione, and Neville all turned out to cheer for him (or perhaps because of this fact), Heero was in a very bad mood. It didn't help that the authors had stolen his gun as a courtesy to Wood.

Wood: Thank you! Now he won't be able to shoot the snitch!

Heero: Omae o korosu.

M.E.: You have no weapon now; you can't even do that.

Announcer: And the match today ::crunch, crunch:: is Gryffindor vs. Slytherin!

Professor McGonagall: JORDAN!!! Would you please just announce the match? Why are you eating pocky now? And take off those sunglasses!!

Jordan (AKA the announcer): grumble, grumble...

Seamus: Who's announcing the match?

Ron: That's Lee Jordan. He's a friend of the twins', and proof that this school doesn't just take human students. I guess that's what you get when you have a headmaster who's obsessed with Mobile Suits and loud Hawaiian-print clothing.

Hermione: I thought you said gigantic robot-things.

Ron: Whatever.

Seamus: If he's not human, what is he?

Ron: Dunno. He says he's some kind of creature of the seal, whatever that is. He also says that what we see isn't his real form because he doesn't have enough magic right now. His real form is supposed to be "super cool."

Seamus: So what does he look like now?

Ron: Sort of like a teddy bear with wings.

Jordan: I heard that Ron!! I do not look like a stuffed animal! I'm much more handsome than that!! Hmph! Jordan no stuffed baby toy! ::pouts::

Professor McGonagall: Jordan! Would you please actually announce the match!

Jordan: Right. Well, Gryffindor's in possession...

Narrator: And thus began Heero's career as a Seeker. He mostly stayed away from the other team, looking for the snitch, figuring that the sooner he caught it, the sooner the game would be over and he could go back to his room and–

Jordan: Hey! I'm trying to announce a match here!

Narrator: Sorry.

Jordan: Slytherin's in possession, they head towards the goal, and... Hey, what's the matter with Potter?

(High above the field, Heero's broom is shaking as though trying to throw him off. Heero is only just managing to hang on to it.)

Neville: Oh no! what if he falls off? Heero's gonna die!

Seamus: What's the matter with his broom?

Dean: ... (Translation: Got me.)

Hermione: It looks almost like it's being cursed...

Ron: That's it! It must be Snape! He hates Heero!

Hermione: Weasley! What are you doing?!

(Ron has pulled out a grenade, which he now launches in Snape's general direction. Unfortunately, while his aim is good, he can't avoid knocking some bystanders down with the blast. Professor Quirrel happens to be one of these unfortunate people.)

Ron: Oops. My bad.

Seamus: Look! Heero's back on his broom!

(Heero has indeed clambered back onto his broomstick. Unfortunately, in all the confusion, he has forgotten to steer. Both he and his broomstick plummet towards the ground. Heero reaches out for something to grab hold of, but the only thing he is able to catch is a small golden ball with wings. Unable to stop himself, he hits the ground.)

Heero: Ow.

Wood: He caught the snitch! Heero caught the snitch! We've won!!

Narrator: Thus the Quidditch match ended with Gryffindor's victory and a general air of chaos. Since Heero had been the one mainly responsible for the victory, he became Gryffindor's new hero. He was, of course, thrilled by his new popularity.

Heero: Why don't those sports-crazed maniacs leave me alone?

Ron: ::rolls his eyes:: You're not really in a position to call other people maniacs.

M.E.: ::shudder:: Sports-crazed maniacs... (shudder) Sports... Evil...

Rapunzel and Hazewriter: Agreed.

Narrator: At the end of the match, Hagrid, who had seen the whole thing, came up to Hermione and Ron, perplexed.

Hagrid: Ron, Hermione, what was that all about?

Ron: Professor Snape was cursing Heero's broom so that it would act like that!

Hagrid: That's silly, why would he curse Heero's broom?

Ron: Well, we haven't really mentioned it to anyone, but after that whole thing with the troll on Halloween, we overheard Snape talking to Professor Quirrel, and he apparently tried to sneak past the dog-eared man in the closed off hall! He's up to something!

Rapunzel: And who forgot to put that part into the script, hmmm?

M.E.: Oops.

(Hagrid freaks out)

Hagrid: You know about Fluffy?

Hermione: Fluffy?

Hagrid: Yeah, the guy with the dog ears. He's stayin' in that hall while I borrow 'im from a friend. Dumbledore wanted me to get someone to guard the–

(He stops, a frightened look on his face.)

Ron: Guard what? Huh? Huh?

Heero: Hn. It's probably the author's laptop cache.

Hermione: For the sake of honor and justice everywhere, you must tell us!

Hagrid: Nuh-uh. I'm not tellin' a thing.

Ron: ::Bambi eyes:: Pleeeeaaaaasssseee?

Hagrid: Nope. It's the business of Dumbledore, Nicholas Flamel, and the authors- not yers.

Heero: Who's Nicholas Flamel?

Hagrid: Erg. I can't say any more.

Narrator: And so the threesome spent the long school weeks between the match and Christmas break scouring the library for any clues that they could find that might help them get past Fluffy and get whatever the authors were hiding from them, sure that it would help them escape.

Hermione: Ahh... the musty smell of books...

Ron: Extra learning...ERROR...DOES NOT COMPUTE DOES NOT COMPUTE

Heero: Shut up and help us out here.

Hermione: At last! A breakthrough!!

(She holds up a book for them to see. It's about an inch thick with a purple cover and a red spine. There is gold writing on the spine.)

Ron: What is it?

Hermione: It's a copy of the book that this parody is based on- we can read it through and find out what's going to happen next! Let's see, we're past the Quidditch and haven't gotten to Christmas yet, so... we should be about here!

(She proudly displays the chapter that they're currently in. The page shows a picture of a boy looking up at a large, standing mirror.)

Hermione: According to this, after Christmas we'll be subjected to the horrors of some type of torture device called the "Mirror of Erised."

Narrator: So, how does the narrator escape at the end of the book?

Hermione: ::glare:: He doesn't.

(While Hermione argues with the narrator over who is more important- the main characters or the narrator, the authors return from wherever they've been for the last page or so.)

Gemini: Is it just me, or have they deviated from the script again?

Rapunzel: It's not just you– what have they got now?

M.E.: Great Fred! It's a copy of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone"! It must have been in the library.

Blue Jeans: This can lead to nothing good.

MPF: Ditto!

Rapunzel: Quick, do something!

(A stuffed chicken falls from the sky and hits Hermione on the head, causing her to drop the book. In the resulting confusion and chaos, M.E. dives in and grabs it, retreating before the characters can cause her any bodily harm.)

M.E.: Good work, Almighty Chicken of Rock! Now, return to me.

(She waits for a moment, but the chicken stays where it is.)

M.E.: Damn. Hazewriter– fetch, boy!

(Hazewriter retrieves the chicken, grumbling the whole while about being the only male author. With his return, the authors once again disappear into the shadows of the authors' wing. Hermione slowly recovers and rises to her feet.)

Ron: Well, that wasn't a lot of help.

Hermione: At least we know what's going to happen next.

Heero: Hn.

Narrator: While they searched for clues, winter came and Christmas slowly approached. Heero chose to remain at Hogwarts during the holidays, far from eager to go back home and suffer through Vernon Dursley's missions to defeat OZ. Ron and his siblings were also staying, since their parents were going out of the country to visit relatives. Hermione, however, was going to go home to see her parents.

Ron: Deserter.

Hermione: ::preens::

Narrator: Keeping to tradition, Hogwarts was decorated inside and out before the holidays. All of the teachers and staff helped out to make the school look its best.

(Heero, Ron, and Hermione are walking down a hall.)

Heero: For a wizard's school, we haven't seen much magic so far.

Hermione: I bet the authors went over their budget again.

(Suddenly, a stream of flame shoots out through the double doors in front of them. It falls only a few inches short of hitting Malfoy, who is passing by. )

Ron: Cool!

Hermione: Don't act like a pyromaniac, Ron.

Ron and Rapunzel: Pyromania rocks!

(Hagrid peeks out from behind the doors.)

Hagrid: Sorry 'bout that, kids. I was lightin' the candles in the Great Hall and I must've lekka-shinen-d a bit to hard that last time.

Malfoy: ::glare:: I guess that's what happens when you don't acquire the finesse that comes with years of professional training.

Hermione: Professional training? Isn't that kind of oxymoronic?

(The girl with Malfoy- his constant companion, Pansy, a girl of the same age with long maroon hair held up in loops and weird red eye makeup- objects to this remark.)

Pansy: Malfoy-sama is not a moron!

Ron: ...says the girl who's speaking Japanese in England...

Pansy: Are you insulting me?!

Malfoy: Don't pay any attention to him, Pansy. He probably doesn't know any language other than English– his parents are so poor they've probably never bothered to educate him in foreign languages.

Narrator: After being provoked in such a manner, it took all of Ron's patience to not dive at Malfoy and strangle him on the spot. Unfortunately, he ran out of patience before he ran out of anger.

Ron: DIE!

(He dives at Malfoy, and puts him in a choke hold.)

Malfoy: Gack.

(While all this goes on, everyone is so distracted that they don't notice the figure coming up the stairs.)

Ron: Ha ha ha ha! Shinigami LIVES!!

Snape: WEASLEY! What is the meaning of this?

(Ron looks up from where he's incapacitating Malfoy.)

Ron: "Shinigami" is Japanese. It means God of Death.

Rapunzel: (to side) ...and we'll ignore the fact that Ron just used Japanese even though he's in England and that "Shinigami lives" is oxymoronic...

Snape: No, not that- why are you attacking poor Malfoy here?

Heero: It's not his fault, he was provoked.

Snape: However, fighting is against school policy, while provoking isn't. Five points from Gryffindor.

(Snape leaves with Malfoy and Pansy in tow.)

Ron: That was totally unfair! I was so going to win, too.

Hermione: I agree, most unjust.

Blue Jeans: Hmm... trained terrorist versus ancient Chinese warlord... Who would you place your money on?

M.E.: Warlord.

MPF: Terrorist– he's cuter.

Blue Jeans: You know, I could make a lot of money off of all the fights around here...

Rapunzel: What?! NO gambling! It's illegal, and wrong, and we're underage, and...and... what would your mother say?

Blue Jeans: Darn. Oh well, it was worth a try...

Hagrid: Don't let spoiled brats like that get to you, kids. They'd the fun out of burnin' things if they could.

Heero: ...and exploding things.

Hagrid: That too. Say, d'ya want to see the Great Hall? It's real purdy, all lit up.

(The three students exchange glances between themselves.)

Hermione: Sorry, Hagrid. We have a lot of work to do in the library. I guess we'll just have to see it at lunch time.

Hagrid: Library?

Heero: We're trying to figure out who Nicolas Flamel is and how to get past Fluffy.

Ron: ::pointing to Heero and Hermione:: They're both convinced that he's guarding something that will let us escape from the authors. Personally, I'm hoping it's some type of really cool new magic video game. ^_^

Heero: It's taking us a really long time to find anything in the library, Hagrid. I don't suppose you could give us a hint?

Hagrid: I ain't sayin' nothin'.

Ron: Double negative! Double negative! That means you'll tell us something!

Narrator: However, Hagrid managed to escape back into the Great Hall before he was forced to divulge any type of information regarding Fluffy or the mysterious Nicolas Flamel. And mysterious was just what Flamel was. Even though they had searched the library from Abracadabra to Zombie, Heero and his friends still hadn't found out anything about him.

Hermione: ARGH! This is most unjust! He's not in "Magical Masterminds of the Late Twentieth Century," "Important Wizards of Our Time," or any of these other books!

Heero: Maybe he's a friend of the authors'. We should try looking up writers.

Ron: I already tried that. He's not in "A Directory of Fanfiction Writers," and it says that it has "Anyone who's ever written anything pertaining even remotely to the fanfiction world."

Heero: Hn. He's probably in one of the books in the Restricted Section.

(All three gaze longingly at the section with a large sign in front of it proclaiming "RESTRICTED SECTION: No admittance allowed without signed permission slip from teacher.")

Ron: Just think of all the cool stuff that must be in there...

Narrator: Hermione left for home the next day, much to the disgust of her friends, who made her promise to ask her parents about Flamel.

Hermione: My mother is a housewife and my father is a psycho-acupuncturist-like-doctor. I really don't think they'll help.

Ron: Don't you have any aunts or uncles who do magic?

Hermione: Nope, sorry. I come from an all-muggle family. And the only other relative I ever see is my younger sister. Bye!

(She shudders at the thought of her sister, then walks away. Before she can go far, the authors grab her and drag her into the shadows of the authors' wing)

Gemini: Come on, Hermione, get into your cage...

Hermione: Cage? What cage?

M.E.: You didn't think we'd actually let you leave over Christmas break, did you? You might never come back again, and we still have two-and-a-fourth books to go.

Hermione: This is most unjust!

Rapunzel: It's that or we do let you go home. Then you'll have to deal with your sister, who Meiran has so graciously agreed to play...

Hermione: You know, that cage looks a lot more comfortable now that I get a better look at it...

(She climbs in and allows the MPF to lock the door.)

Rapunzel: Don't say we never gave you a choice about anything!

Blue Jeans: You realize this goes against entirely against the Harry Potter books and Episode Zero, don't you?

M.E.: We are the authors. Therefore we may take certain liberties with the script. Deal with it.

Ron: Suddenly I'm very glad that I'm not going home.

Heero: Hn.

Narrator: Since Seamus, Dean, and Neville had all gone home to visit their families over the holidays, Heero and Ron found themselves alone in the dormitory. They really didn't mind this, however, as it let them have more time to themselves.

MPF: And Ron said that it wasn't what we thought.

M.E.: What do we think?

MPF: ::snicker:: You don't really want me to get into it.

Narrator: However, when they chose to actually make an appearance to the rest of the world, they found that the common room was mostly empty. During the periods of time that they were too exhausted to do anything else, Ron taught Heero how to play wizard checkers. It was hard, because Heero was using a set of checkers that he'd borrowed from Seamus. They felt that they'd somehow absorbed their owner's knowledge of strategy and kept on telling Heero what to do.

Heero: And the damn things won't stop bouncing all the time! All they want to do is jump.

Checker: Ron gave us sugar!

Ron: Okay, so maybe that wasn't such a good idea...

Narrator: Eventually, Christmas came. When Heero woke up on Christmas morning he was surprised to find that he'd gotten presents.

Heero: Ron, why are there brightly wrapped packages next to my bed?

Ron: It's Christmas, Heero! Those are your Christmas presents.

Heero: What is this "Christmas" you speak of?

Ron: -.-;; Umm... it's a holiday where you give gifts to people and they open them.

Heero: Ah.

(He leans over and picks up one of the packages.)

Heero: So... I "open" this?

Ron: That's the usual procedure.

(Heero opens it up and finds a dark blue sweater. He shrugs and puts it on.)

Ron: ::groan:: Geez, I can't believe it. That's from my mom- I told her that you probably wouldn't get anything... She made you a Weasley sweater. Every year she makes us all sweaters, and mine's _always_ maroon. I keep on telling her black, but I keep on getting maroon.

Heero: It will keep me warm on missions in cold climates. Most helpful.

Ron: Uh, sure, whatever.

(Heero opens another package. This one is a lot heavier than the first.)

Heero: Huh. It's from the authors. It's a laptop. They kept one of their promises for once.

Narrator: Heero immediately booted the computer up and checked his email. He opened the most recent message, dated sometime last October. It said the following:

Heero–
What was with all those really strange emails? Is the war with OZ a joke to you, young man? And what the hell is this "orange tunic" you keep demanding?
– Vernon Dursley

Blue Jeans: M.E., were you sending email to Dursley using Heero's account?

M.E.: Who, M.E.?

Rapunzel: That's it, you get to go in the cage with Hermione until you behave more maturely.

M.E & Hermione.: Noooo!!! Not her!

Gemini: So, next time we "acquire" a laptop, I get it, right?

Rapunzel: I'll think about it.

MPF: I thought that Heero was supposed to get an invisibility cloak for Christmas, not a laptop.

Rapunzel: Would you give Heero an invisibility cloak?

MPF: True, true.

Narrator: Together, the two boys made their way down to the common room, where they found Fred and George. Each of the twins wore a green sweater, one sporting a yellow F, the other a yellow G, respectively.

George: Look– Heero got a Weasley sweater too!

Fred: Come on, Ron. Put yours on too– then we can all match.

(Ron grumbles about the color maroon, but he pulls his sweater over his head.)

George: There's no letter on yours, Heero. I guess Mom figures you don't ever forget your names. But we're not as stupid as everyone thinks– we know our names are Gred and Forge.

(A somewhat-sleepy Percy wanders into the room, carrying his own, bright red sweater. Before he can protest, Fred and George grab the sweater and pull down over his head, effectively pinning his arms to his sides.)

Fred: Now, it's time to eat!

(They all leave, marching Percy in front of them and using the sweater's sleeves as a leash to keep him from escaping.)

George: Yup, this is what big brothers are for!

Percy: Why, you! Let me go this instant, or I, Percy Weasley the MAN, shall punish you!!

Ron: ::to Heero:: Ignore him. Now, let's eat!! FOOD!!!

Narrator: So Heero and the Weasleys went down to the huge Christmas feast. Then, after eating such a large meal, Ron went back up to the dorm to sleep. Heero, on the other hand, checked his mail again on his newly acquired laptop, and discovered he had mission orders. His mission: to infiltrate the restricted section of the library.

Heero: Ninmu Ryoukai.

Gemini: Wait a minute. Heero isn't supposed to get any mission orders. Did you send them to him, 'Zel?

Rapunzel: Yup. And I say if it gets him to act out the proper story line, don't complain.

Narrator: So, Heero went down to the library and sneaked into the Restricted Section. However, when he tried to pull out a book, it began to scream.

restricted book: Stay back! I'm a Catholic!

Heero: ???

Narrator: Thinking that someone must have heard the book, and fearful of being discovered, Heero abandon his mission for the time being, and left the library. However, as it was dark, he lost his way, and ended up in a room that was empty except for a mirror. Across the top of the mirror was written, "The Mirror of Desire Spelled Backwards."

Heero: Hn. This must be the torture device Hermione mentioned. But I thought she said "Erised".

Gemini: Okay, who did the labeling?

Rapunzel: M.E.!

M.E.: ::from inside the cage she is sharing with Hermione:: Oh, it was you, 'Zel-chan?

(Rapunzel glares at her, and she backs down, a little.)

M.E.: Well that's what it is! Erised is Desire spelled backwards!

Rapunzel: ::sighs:: Never mind! Just get on with the story.

(Heero walks up and inspects the mirror cautiously from the side. It doesn't look too dangerous to him, so he stands in front of it. His eyes suddenly light up with an unholy gleam.)

Heero: Ninmu... OZ destroyed... the authors... explosions...

Blue Jeans: The authors and explosions?!

Rapunzel: Why do I not like the way he combined those two words in the same sentence?

(Gemini and the MPF both go up to Heero. Each one grabs an arm as they begin transporting him away from the mirror.)

Gemini: All right, that's enough for one night.

Heero: ... authors o korosu...

MPF: Sure, honey, whatever you say.

(So saying, she and Gemini evict him from the room.)

Narrator: His abrupt dismissal by the authors convinced Heero that, whatever the mirror was, it was something important that might help him escape from the authors. However, to avoid being stopped again, Heero decided that it would be wiser if he took some backup. Naturally, there was only one person he could ask.

Heero: Ron, you're my backup.

Ron: Huh? When did this get decided?

Heero: Just now. I need you to come with me and help me thwart the authors to get to the "Mirror of Desire Spelled Backwards:.

Ron: What's that?

Heero: Something I found. I think it might show predictions for the future. When I looked in it, it showed me the lots of explosions and the demise of OZ and the authors.

Ron: Well, if it'll help bring about the demise of the authors, I'm all for it!

Narrator: That night, Heero and Ron crept to the room where the mirror was.

Ron: So, this is the mirror, huh? Let's just have a look.

(He goes to stand in front of the mirror. Gradually, his eyes get wider and wider, and he begins to drool slightly.)

Ron: Oh man, I really hope that this thing does show the future. I never thought I'd get you to try the whipped cream idea.

(Heero, realizing exactly what Ron is seeing, grabs him and pulls him away from the mirror before he can say anymore.)

Ron: Hey! Heero, why'd you... mph!

(Heero claps his hand over Ron's mouth and drags him back in the general direction of their dorm room.)

MPF: Hey, do you think it'd show me the same thing Ron saw?

Rapunzel: I forbid you to try it. Anyway, the mirror is only supposed to work for the characters.

Blue Jeans: Hey, don't you think we should take M.E. out of the cage now? She's missing the story, and she's probably terrorizing poor Hermione.

Rapunzel: Oh, I don't know. They seem to be getting along okay in there.

(They all look over to the cage, where M.E. and Hermione have linked hands and are singing.)

M.E. and Hermione: We shall overcome!

Blue Jeans: You know, I think our history teacher went just a tad bit overboard with that whole lesson on the Civil Rights Movement. It's affected M.E.'s brain.

(As the song ends, M.E. turns to Hermione.)

M.E.: Okay! Now let's sing "Puff the Magic Dragon" next!

Hermione: No! I refuse to submit to this injustice any longer.

M.E.: If you don't sing, I'll tell everyone what you _really_ do when you go to "worship Nataku."

Hermione: Puff, the magic dragon, lived by the sea...

MPF: Oh yeah, they're getting along fine. Let's leave them in there for a little while longer.

Gemini: Hey, wait a minute! Where's everybody gone to? The story has ground to a complete halt. Where's our narrator?

(The MPF vanishes for a moment, then reappears dragging the narrator behind her.)

Narrator: Damn! I almost made it!

Gemini: Nice try, now let's continue the story.

Narrator: Um, okay. Now where were we? Ah! The next night, Heero went back to the mirror again to see if he could figure out just how to kill the authors. To avoid embarrassment, he decided not to take Ron with him. However, when he arrived at the mirror, he found that there was someone there waiting for him.

Dumbledore: ::appearing in mid air:: Hi, Heero. I was wondering if you would come back a third time.

(Heero, being startled, whips out a gun and trains it on Dumbledore.)

Heero: Omae o korosu.

Gemini: -.-;; No, Heero, you can't kill your headmaster. It's bad form.

Heero: Hn.

Dumbledore: Oh, that's okay, little author-dudette. I wasn't worried for a minute.

(He shoos Gemini away so that he can talk to Heero and maybe actually have him respond.)

Dumbledore: Now, you've come here to check out this mirror, am I right?

Heero: Hn.

Dumbledore: Now, you said last night that you think that this mirror predicts the future.

Heero: How do you know that?

Dumbledore: Because I was here both nights, watching you. Your friend Ron seemed to see, um, rather interesting things.

(He watches as Heero's face slowly goes a lovely shade of crimson that would make a sunset proud.)

Dumbledore: Anyway, I'm afraid that I must point out to you that your theory of what the mirror shows you is incorrect. Look at the name of the mirror.

Heero: "Desire Spelled Backwards"?

Dumbledore: Exactly. Desire. The mirror shows you things that you really, really want.

Blue Jeans: Heero really, really wants to kill us? So much that he sees us in the mirror? ::sigh::

Rapunzel: Am I the only one who thinks that there's something wrong with her?

(She looks around at her fellow authors, all of whom shake their heads "no", with the exception of M.E., who is still in the cage with Hermione. They have progressed from children's songs to the songs M.E. learned at caver's conventions.)

M.E.: Since you don't know the words, Hermione, you get to play the kazoo! It's an essential part of this song.

Hermione: Oh joy.

M.E.: Plastic Justrite, plastic Justrite, melted on the front of my hard ha~at!

Heero: ::to Dumbledore:: You know what I've seen in the mirror. Now tell me what you see.

Dumbledore: Oh, I see myself holding a nice, thick pair of socks.

Heero: Socks?

Dumbledore: Or a copy of a Beach Boys CD. I wouldn't mind one of those. Now Heero, I don't want you trying to come back and look at the "Mirror of Desire Spelled Backwards" again. You must not allow your desires get in the way of you achieving your goals. And, anyway, the mirror is being moved tomorrow.

Rapunzel: Wait a minute... Is it just me, or did Dumbledore just encourage Heero to try and blow us authors up?

Other authors (with the exception of M.E., who is still singing): It's just you.

Narrator: And so, Heero returned to Gryffindor tower, where he found a very awake Ron.

Ron: What?! You went to the Mirror of Desire Spelled Backwards without me? But...but... (sniff sniff)

Heero: It did not pertain to the destruction of the authors in any way.

Ron: But, it showed the future! And the whipped cr–

(Heero puts a hand over Ron's mouth before he can say any more.)

Heero: Dumbledore told me that it reflects your deepest desires, not the future.

Ron: So that means you won't try the-

Heero: Ron.

Ron: Yes?

Heero: Drop it.

Narrator: The Christmas holidays soon came to an end, and with them came the end of Hermione's time in the cage.

Hermione: Free at last! Free at last! Thank–

Authors: We get the picture already.

M.E.: So, my time is up now too, right?

(The author's stare at M.E, then turn their backs on her and proceed to ignore her.)

M.E.: And they call themselves my co-conspirators...

Narrator: Needless to say, both Heero and Ron were anxious to see Hermione again.

Ron: Whatcha bring me? Whatcha bring me?

Heero: Hn.

Hermione: What do you mean, "Whatcha bring me?"? Didn't your mother ever teach you any manners, Weasley? Or correct grammar for that matter.

(Ron shrugs, then proceeds to ransack Hermione's trunk, determined to find out whether she brought him a Christmas present. At last, he emerges victorious with a rather sorry-looking package. The little green trees on the red paper have been completely obscured by several layers of tape. Though he can barely make out the writing on the tag, he's pretty sure that it says his name. He is, however, daunted by the duct tape.)

Rapunzel: Okay, who let M.E. wrap the package? She uses more tape than my father, and that's saying something.

Ron: Umm... what is it?

Hermione: How did that get in there? I didn't have any time to go shopping. I spent my entire break in a cage in the author's wing–

Rapunzel: Uh uh uh. You are now a part of the story again, Hermione, and according to the story, you spent the holidays with your parents. Try it again.

(She turns back to the other authors and demands once more to know who let M.E. wrap the package. Hermione checks her script, sighs, and tries again.)

Hermione: It's your Christmas present, of course! I forgot to send it during the holidays, so I figured I'd give it to you when I got back.

(Ron glances back at Hermione's trunk.)

Ron: What, no gift for Heero?

Hermione: I thought it would be pointless to get Heero a gift, since he probably doesn't even know what Christmas is. I've noticed that his knowledge of such things appears to be very limited.

Ron: Too, too true.

(He unwraps the package, somehow managing to get through all the tape. Inside is a box.)

Ron: All right! Chocolate Frogs! Thanks, Hermione.

Heero: Chocolate... frogs...?

Hermione: A type of wizard candy. They were selling them on the train on the way back to Hogwarts.

Ron: They're so cool! They sorta move, and stuff, and each one comes with a Wonderful Wizarding Wisdom card for you to collect. I've got three shoeboxes full of cards back at home.

Narrator: However, Ron was unable at that time to go into any great details on the subject of his Wonderful Wizarding Wisdom Card collection, as Neville chose that moment to fall through the door.

(Neville falls through the portrait hole. His legs are stuck together.)

Neville: Help! I met Malfoy in the hall, and he got all mad at me, saying how he hates how people keep on saying that we're related when we're not, and he cast the Leg-Locking curse on me.

Ron: Wow, that's amazing.

(Neville blinks, obviously confused.)

Neville: But we just learned the Leg-Locking curse last week. It's not like we don't know how to do it... Well, I don't know how to do it, but that's beside the point.

Hermione: I think what Ron means is that it's amazing that you managed to make it back here, considering you usually have a hard time getting places even when you do have the use of your legs.

(Neville sniffs a few times, and appears to be on the verge of tears.)

Ron: Hey! Don't cry– Hermione's just in a bad mood because the authors have been picking on her again and she spent most of the winter holidays in a cage with the Blonde One. Here, have a Chocolate Frog.

Neville: Gee, thanks! Here, you can have the card. It's Dumbledore, and I already have him.

Ron: Oh. I do to, but thanks. Here, Hermione, you can have it.

Hermione: Thanks, I guess.

Blue Jeans: I thought that Heero was the one who was supposed to get the card.

Gemini: Do you really think that Heero would spend any effort collecting wizarding cards?

Rapunzel: I don't know. Maybe if he thought that they contained pertinent information about a mission.

Hermione: I found him! I found Nicolas Flamel! The card says he was Dumbledore's alchemy partner! Now I remember him! He's the one who made the Sorcerer's Stone!

M.E.: ::from her cage:: That's the Philosopher's Stone!! I don't care what they call it in the book! The proper name is the Philosopher's Stone! They even call it that in Great Britain!

MPF: And she wonders why we left her in the cage.

Ron: Well, duh. We already heard about the Sorcerer's Stone.

Hermione: You did? When?

Heero: From Hagrid.

Rapunzel: In a conversation that deviated from the book, but never mind that...

Hermione: ::pouts:: Why doesn't anyone ever tell me these things? Do you even know what the Sorcerer's Stone is?

Heero and Ron: No.

M.E.: It's the Philosopher's Stone, I tell you!!

Blue Jeans: All in favor of gagging her, raise your hands.

(All the authors– and some of the characters– raise their hands.)

M.E.: Damn the conspiracy!!

Hermione: Anyway, the Sorcerer's Stone can be used to turn things into gold, or make you live forever.

Ron: Wow! No wonder Snape wanted it! And no wonder they got that dog guy to guard it.

Neville: Um guys? My legs are still stuck together. Could you maybe help?

Narrator: After performing the counter curse, the other three went back to discussing the stone and who might want to steal it until they fell asleep. The next morning, however, Heero was distracted by Wood informing him that there was another Quidditch match coming up.

Wood: And we'll have to be extra careful. Snape is refereeing this match, and if we win this game, we might beat his house's team for the cup. He'll use any excuse to make us lose points, and you shooting another player is a foul, no matter how you look at it.

Heero: Hn.

Wood: And no explosives either!!

Heero: Damn.

Ron: Aw, now that just takes all the fun out of things. Besides, how're you supposed to defend yourself if Snape tries to curse you again?

Hermione: Don't go there, Ron. If shooting another player is a foul, I'd hate to think what shooting the referee would be.

Narrator: The second Quidditch match arrived, and all of Heero's various weapons had been confiscated once again. Heero considered it very unfair, especially since Snape was allowed to take his staff onto the field. He kept on banging it against the ground too, making it jangle loudly and distract all the players. The game didn't seem to be going to well for Gryffindor when...

Fred: Heero! Behind you!

(Heero turns around and sees a small golden ball with wings fly past him. Taped to the end of it is a sign that says "Grab me".)

Heero: Huh?

Authors: ::sigh:: Could we be any more blatant?

Blue Jeans: I know!

(The sign suddenly changes so that it now read "Contains top secret OZ information".)

Heero: Ninmu Ryoukai.

(He dives after the snitch, and captures it in a matter of seconds. However, Madame Hooch takes the ball back to put it away before he can find the supposed information.)

Mme. Hooch: I ought to report you for attempted destruction of school property. What did the poor snitch ever do to you anyway?

Heero: There's got to be a secret compartment somewhere...

Narrator: Heero stalked off after Madame Hooch, determined to find her and somehow acquire the "top secret OZ information" that he believed the snitch to contain. However, the crowds of people leaving the Quidditch stadium were so large that he soon lost track of her. Eventually, he found himself pushed by the crowd to the edge of the forest. Hearing voices, Heero's training kicked in, and he hid behind a tree.

Quirrell: ...why did you want to meet me here of all places, Severus?

Snape: Well, considering students aren't supposed to know about the Stone, I thought it wise to keep this is a private discussion.

(Heero leans forward at Snape's mention of the Stone.)

Quirrell: ...um...ke ke...?

Snape: Have you discovered a way to get past that guard of Hagrid's yet?

Quirrell: Ke ke ke...Really, Severus, I don't know what you're talking–

Snape: Don't give me that, you big coward. I may be blind, but that doesn't mean I can't see straight through you. You don't want me as your enemy, Quirrell, my skills aren't limited to the creation of chimeras, after all.

Quirrell: Wha–

(A large, convient flock of owls fly overhead, drowning out the two professors' words.)

Snape: –your bit of defense, I'm still waiting. You may act dumb now, but just wait and see. We'll have another little talk sometime soon, shall we? And then I'll decide once and for all just whose side you're on.

(Snape and Quirrell both walk off in different directions. Neither sees Heero. A couple of minutes later Hermione and Ron burst through the bushes.)

Hermione: Damn, Potter! Where the hell have you been, we've been looking all over for you!

Ron: Heero, that dive of yours was excellent! You won the match for us! Come on- Fred and George snitched a whole bunch of food from the kitchens, and we're having a big party up in Gryffindor!

Heero: I just saw Snape and Quirrell.

Hermione: So what?! They're both teachers here– it's not exactly unusual to see teachers at a school.

Heero: Snape's after the Stone. He asked about Fluffy, and said something about Quirrell's "bit of defense".

Hermione: Of course! The Sorcerer's Stone wouldn't just be guarded by Fluffy! Since he teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts, it's only logical to have Quirrell make some sort of anti-Dark Arts spell. It's probably the only thing that's keeping Snape from getting the stone.

Ron: So, Snape is pressuring Quirrell to tell him how to get the Stone?

Heero: Hn. Looks like it.

Narrator: With this new bit of information to chew over, the trio headed off to the party in the Gryffindor common room with heavy hearts. The weeks passed, and on one bright morning Heero and Ron were surprised to find Hermione seated in a large pile of books.

Ron: What are you _doing_, Hermione?!

Hermione: I'm studying for exams. Did you know that if we don't pass the exams, we don't get to come back here next year?

Ron: But we're the Heroes! We don't need to study.

Heero: And why would we want to come back?

Hermione: I asked myself the same question, Heero. Why do we want to come back? Because the authors are planning to do the next two books, and if we're not here for the– Wait. If we don't pass, they can't write anymore, can they?

Heero: Exactly.

Hermione: So we don't need to find the Sorcerer's Stone– all we have to do is fail the exams, and ::poof!:: no sequel.

Rapunzel: Ah, but as Ron has oh-so-helpfully pointed out: you're the heroes, you don't need to study. Meaning, you're doomed to come back next year even if you don't take the exams at all.

M.E.: I'm FREE!!! Mwa hahahahahahaha!!

(She pulls a cloak out of nowhere, puts it on, and disappears.)

MPF: So _that's_ where the invisibility cloak went.

(Rapunzel groans, then gestures at the narrator to continue.)

Rapunzel: We have to go find my co-author– No funny stuff, okay? Remember, M.E. might be watching you... and... um... she has Amiboshi hostage! Yeah!

Narrator: Eep! Sir, yes, sir!

(The authors all run off in various directions, determined to find their juvenile co-conspirator.)

Narrator: Hermione eventually gave in to her impulse to study, however, and had to give up on her boycott.

Whisper: Hee hee... it's an essential part of her character– she can't deny her character!

(The narrator stops and attempts to locate the source of the Whisper, but is forced to give up.)

Narrator: Um... okay... Hermione's determination even rubbed off on Ron and Heero, who found themselves, much to their disgust, studying in the library during much of their free time.

Ron: Erg. I. Hate. School! You would think that magic would be easy to remember since it's so cool, but it's not!

Heero: All knowledge may prove to eventually be useful, however.

Ron: Yeah, but it's such a pain to _learn_ it all! And History of Magic is just so damned dull!

Hagrid: You wouldn' be lookin' up Flamel, are you?

Ron: Us? Why, Hagrid! Like we'd ever do such a thing.

Heero: We found out about him months ago. It is no longer useful to research the subject.

Hermione: What are you doing here, Hagrid?

Hagrid: Er– jus' checkin' out a few books, that's all.

(He shambles off, his cheeks flushed.)

Hermione: Ron, Heero! Did you see what all his books were about?

Ron: No, of course not. We're not all freaks like yo–

Heero: Dragons. Mainly concerning their breeding and raising.

Ron: Correction. I'm not a freak like you two.

Heero: Hagrid's always wanted a dragon. He probably finally got one.

Hermione: But it's illegal to keep a dragon as a pet!

Ron: Hermione's right, Heero. Dragon breeding was outlawed by the Warlock's Convention of 1709, due to the fact that they are rather noticeable and dangerous. Furthermore–

(He trails off as he notices Heero and Hermione's stares.)

Ron: What?

Hermione: I thought you said History of Magic was dull.

Ron: Well, yeah. The boring parts are. Come on, Hermione! Dragons aren't boring!

Hermione: Whatever you say. Still, about Hagrid... I'm worried. I think we should pay him a visit.

Narrator: And so, out of concern for their somewhat judgement-impaired friend, Heero and company set out after quickly gathering together their school books. Their destination: the gamekeeper's hut.

Hermione: What's with Heero? He's just staring off into space.

Whisper: I think the word "destination" brings him fond memories of past "ninmu."

(Ron starts forward when he hears the Whisper.)

Narrator: Ignore the Whisper, it's being taken care of. (I think...)

Ron: Um, okay.

(Ron turns and knocks on Hagrid's door.)

Ron: Come on, Hagrid! We know you're in there!

(Hagrid opens the door suddenly, causing Ron to stumble and fall through. Hagrid continues to hold the door open as he let them in.)

Hagrid: What'cha want?

Ron: Um...Hagrid, we were wondering if you knew what types of things are guarding the Sorcerer's Stone... geez, it's hot in here...

Hagrid: I keep on tellin' yeh, I ain't gonna tell you anything.

(Ron snaps his fingers in disgust as he realizes that Hagrid hasn't even used a double negative this time.)

Hermione: Well, we were actually helped with the guarding besides you. It's not like that's really going to tell us anything.

Hagrid: Oh, alright... Let's see now... Dumbledore got Fluffy from me, and he asked some o' the teachers fer help... It was... er... Professor Sprout, Professor Flitwick, Professor Quirrell, Professor McGonagall, Professor Snape– an' Dumbledore did something hims– watch it there!

Narrator: Hermione spun around, startled by Hagrid's shout. Ron was standing next to the hearth, holding the kettle that he'd just lifted out of the flames and staring at something in the fire.

Ron: Hagrid, is that a... dragon's egg?

Hagrid: Well, yeah...

Heero: Where did you get it?

Hagrid: Got from a guy at the pub in the village las' night. Seemed rather eager to get rid of it, he did. I bin readin' up on dragons in the library, so's I know what ter do when it hatches.

Hermione: Really?

Hagrid: Yep!

(Hermione smiles weakly, and looks up at Hagrid a bit nervously, then back at the egg.)

Hermione: Well, that's good. Since it's hatching. Right. Now.

(Hagrid leaps forward, pulling on a pair of hotmits before lifting the egg out of the fire. Everyone stands around him, watching anxiously as the shell breaks, and a tiny golden head pops out.)

Hagrid: Isn't she _beautiful_? She's a Norwegian Ridgeback, yeh know. I'm gonna call 'er Norbertina.

(Norbertina blinks, looks around, and hiccups. A jet of flame about one and a half feet long comes out of her mouth, singing Hagrids jacket.)

Ron: Hagrid, in case you didn't notice– your house is made of _wood_.

Hermione: Give it up, Ron. It's impossible to reason with a pyroman--

(She stops as Heero grabs her arm, motioning silence. His eyes slant downwards as he points to the window.)

Heero: Someone's out there.

(Hermione draws back the curtain and looks outside. The observer is already running away, but she sees enough to for her to recognize him.)

Hermione: It was Malfoy. He saw Norbertina.

(The three students look worriedly back and forth between the window and Hagrid)

Hagrid: (ignoring them) C'mere, Norbertina. Look at 'er. Isn't she just the cutest little thing, all gold and shiny?

Whisper: Ooohh... shiny...

Hagrid: And the pink bow on 'er tail's a nice touch too, don't yeh think?

Hermione: Hagrid, how can you be cooing over that dragon at a time like this?! Malfoy just saw her, and he's sure to tell someone! And you're not allowed to have a dragon!

Ron: Hey, I have an idea! We can send her off to my sister Charlie! She works with dragons, so she'd take good care of her.

(He reaches down to pick up Norbertina, but the little dragon suddenly changes, turning into a girl with a tail, still with a pink bow on it. Reaching down, she produces a club with spikes on it from somewhere.)

Girl-That-Was-the-Dragon-Norbertina: Pervert!!

(She lashes out with the club, striking Ron and sending him ricocheting off the walls until he hits the ceiling and then falls to the floor with a crash.)

Hermione: Nice shot. I'd give it a nine for style.

(The club vanishes, and the Girl-That-Was-the-Dragon-Norbertina turns back into Norbertina again.)

Ron: Ow...

Hagrid: I think yeh better take Ron ta the Hospital wing. He don't look so good.

Narrator: And so, Ron was taken to the hospital wing, where Madame Pomfrey healed most of the damage done to him by the girl with the club. Still, she insisted on keeping him for observation.

Percy: If only Madame Pomfrey would "observe" me. Why does my little brother have all the luck?

Ron: You try getting whacked in the face with a club and see how lucky you are! Oh, never mind; it's not like it would do any damage anyway.

(Before Percy can retort, Madame Pomfrey walks in to the hospital wing with an armload of glass potions bottles. Percy immediately leaps to his feet and rushes forward with a rather stupid grin on his face to assist her. Heero and Hermione take advantage of his absence to speak to Ron concerning the subject hot on everyone's minds: Norbertina.)

Hermione: Your sister's name is... Charlie? Does this have anything to do with George being Georgina?

Ron: Eh, sorta. See, Charlie's actual name is "Charlotta" but she hates that because "It's too femine". So we call her Charlie or Charles, but never, _never_ Chuck. Well, not unless we wanna get fried.

Hermione: Oh. I was just wondering because we got a letter from her today. It's about the dragon.

Ron: Oh good! The sooner we get rid of Norbertina, the better!

(All three students crowd around the letter, which has been handed to Ron, in order to get a better look at it)

Ron–
Glad to hear that you're mainly keeping out of trouble, I'd hate to have to leave Romania right now just so that I could DraguSlave you back into line (too bad the same can't be said about the twins, the little bas– ah, you know what I mean...). As for the Norwegian Ridgback, I'd be more than happy to take it off of your hands. Some buddies of mine are going to be in that area sometime this week, and if you could contrive to get the package up on top of the North Tower at midnight on Saturday, they should be able to pick it up.
Send me your reply by the fastest owl you can find.
–Charlie
P.S. WATCH OUT FOR THE MACE!!!

Ron: Oh great, _now_ she tells me! Figures.

Message: This message will now self-destruct in... counting 5 4 3 2 1 seconds. Destruction implemented.

(The message flares blue for a moment, then crumbles into a handful of ashes.)

Ron: Heero, have you been hanging around my sister?

Heero: She gets it all on her own. I must, however, commend her tactics. They are most exemplary.

Narrator: And so, Ron sent off his reply to his sister to finalize the plans. Unfortunately, After the date and time had been set, Malfoy was informed of the plans.

Whisper: ::to Malfoy:: Pst! The Potter posse is planning to ship the dragon out on Saturday.

Malfoy: You mean Hagrid's dragon? How do you know this and why should I listen to a lowly whisper like you?

Whisper: No, no! You got it all wrong! It's Whisper with a capital "W". It emphasizes my importance to the script.

Malfoy: ::sarcastically:: My sincerest apologies.

Whisper: ::grumble grumble:: darn right you better be sincere... Anyway, you should listen to me because I am.... (drumroll please)

(The Narrator proceeds to provide an albeit unenthusiastic drumroll.)

Whisper: The Whisper Who KNOWS Stuff!! (please grovel at this time)

(Before Malfoy can grovel in proper appreciation, Rapunzel storms onto the scene.)

Rapunzel: Making comments is bad enough, but I cannot abide you interfering in the actual plot of the story!

Malfoy: This story has an actual plot? News to me.

Whisper: Wait! Wait! I fixed it! Since the message from Charlie self-destructed, I actually fixed it!

Rapunzel: Oh, hey, I guess you did. Good Whisper.

Whisper: Do I get a cookie?

Rapunzel: No. Get her!

(There is a confusing flurry of activity as the authors all try to grab the Whisper, tripping over each other in the process. Since none of them can see her, the Whisper eludes them, pausing only for a parting comment.)

Whisper: What? No cookie?! That's it! I'm outta here! ::grumble, grumble, gripe, gripe::

(The Whisper gradually fades away, and the authors manage to gather themselves together again in something resembling dignity. As it so often happens, they find their numbers to have multiplied.)

Gemini: I say, who are you?

Newcomer: Oh, I'm another random author. I'm actually the Lady of Unsanity, but you can call me the Lady or LoU.

Gemini: Charmed. Well, on with the show!

Narrator: And so, not knowing that their plans had been leaked by none other than those paying their wages (not that they can really be called wages, considering how small and pathetic it actually is, and we could all really do a raise, not that I'm pushing here or anything, but–

Authors: GET ON WITH IT!!!

Narrator: Anyway, not knowing that they'd been sold in by those rotten b– lovely ladies in the wings, Our Heroes (minus Ron, still stuck in the hospital wing, the lucky devil) went forth Saturday night, Norbertina in tow, all decked out in their best infiltration gear.

Heero: Hn. Finally something I'm good at.

Hermione: You're telling me.

Norbertina: Fweep!

Hermione: Look, when I said I didn't want to hear a peep out of you, that included "fweeps," "neeps," "nees," "whiz-bangs," and any other strange and oddly cute phrases that your little brain may chance to come up with. If not, I'm borrowing the MPF's blender and making Dragon Smoothies, understand?

MPF: You know, Dragon Smoothies make great energy drinks.

Narrator: Silence was taken to mean assent, and the trio moved on through the inky blackness of the night. When they finally reached the North Tower, several friends of Charlie's, including a rather flighty priestess and a man with purple hair and blue skin that looked like it had bits of rock embedded in it. Hermione took particular interest in the man.

Hermione: Chimera curse, huh? You should really see about having someone look at that. I'm sure one of the teachers might be able to help you. Our potions master, for instance, has a great interest in chimera curses...

(The man shudders, his eyes growing large as he listens to her.)

Chimera-cursed Man: Um, no, that's ah... quite all right...

Hermione: (shrug) Your loss.

Heero: Just take the dragon and be done with it.

(The group takes the dragon, and with a collective shout of "Ray Wing!" they vanish into the night. Heero and Hermione turn to return to their beds, but at the base of the stairs, they meet up with an unfortunate accident in the form of Malfoy and Filch.)

Malfoy: See, I told you they would be out here! And they have a dragon with them too!

Filch: So! Students out of their beds in the middle of the night? Now, I don't know about dragons, and all that nonsense, but I do know that there's only one thing to be done about students wandering the grounds at night, and that is DETENTION! You too, Malfoy, you little sneak.

(Collective "NOOOOOOOO!!!" proceeded by a marching of the students back to their respective dormitories. When Filch reaches the painting leading to Gryffindor, she and her prisoners are met by an unpleasant surprise.)

Hermione: Neville! What are you doing out here?!

Neville: Well, see, um... I thought I heard Trevor, my toad, outside... so I went out to look for him, but when I turned around, the painting had closed, and I couldn't remember the password and... and... And you gotta help me!! I don't know how to play Poker, and the darn painting is wringing me clean!!

Filch: No excuse! Gambling on school grounds! Detention for you too!!

(She turns to the painting.)

Filch: And you! Fleecing the students of their money again, eh? Give it back; there's no sport in going after the students. Not a darn one of them can play worth beans. Now, Dumbledore, on the other hand...

Painting: (shuffling cards) So, see you Tuesday, right?

Filch: You're on.

Narrator: The students retreated to their dormitories for the night, thoughts of detention disturbing their dreams. They were not much happier to learn, two days later, that said detention would be carried out in the Forbidden Forest, under the supervision of Hagrid. When the night of the detention arrived, they trudged out to the Forest unwillingly.

Heero: I'll find some way to get Ron for this; there's no way he can make me believe his not being here is a coincidence.

Hagrid: All right. Listen up, yeh lot. We've got ta find a hurt unicorn. Yeh just gotta follow the blood spots. They're them silvery patches on the ground there.

(They walk into the forest, following Hagrid, when suddenly, he stops and stares off into the darkness ahead of them.)

Hagrid: Who's there?!

(A white, child-like figure slowly fades into view. In lieu of eyes and a mouth, it has three dark spots. It cocks its head to one side, then releases it to let loose an eerie rattling noise.)

Hagrid: Oh. It's just yeh guys.

Hermione: Hagrid, what are those things?

Hagrid: I think they're centaurs in their larval stage. Cute li'l buggers, ain't they? Say, have any o' yeh guys seen a unicorn, or anything that might've hurt one?

(Several more of the creatures appear. All of them cock their heads to the side, then release them to make that weird clicking noise.)

Hagrid: Never try to get a straight answer outta one o' them things. All they ever do is click their heads at yeh.

Malfoy: We'll never find the unicorn at this rate.

Hagrid: Sure we will. We just gotta split up, that's all. Heero, yeh and Malfoy go tegether, and Hermione, Neville, yeh come with me.

(Thus divided, the groups split up. Heero and Malfoy wander until the see a glimmer of white in the trees ahead of them. Thinking it might be unicorn's blood, they head towards it. But when they get there, they find not only blood, but the body of the unicorn itself.)

Whisper: They killed Unico! NOOOOO!!

(As the Whisper slumps forward in an effort to somehow rescue her childhood hero, the invisibility cloak that she's been hiding under slips away... And is quickly carried off by Blue Jeans, who was waiting for just such an opportunity. Distraught, and hugging the corpse of the small, red-haired unicorn to her chest, she stands and takes a step forward.)

M.E. (for that was the identity of the Whisper. Really. I know it shocks and stuns you, but it's true!! I swear!!!): Alas, poor Unico. I knew him, Horatio.

Rapunzel: All right, all right, we had to read Hamlet too, you know. Come on now, leave the body and come back to the author's wing. We've got your "I love me" jacket all ready.

M.E.: Yay! I-love-me jacket! I-love-me jacket!

(She's dragged off the set by Hazewriter, who is trying hard to not roll his eyes. He's really not succeeding.)

M.E: They've come to take me away, ha ha!

Rapunzel: That's right. Carry on, everyone!

(Heero and Malfoy turn back to the body of the unicorn, only to find that someone else is already there. A figure is bending over the small unicorn, and appears to be drinking its blood, vampire style. All that can be seen of the figure is a massive amount of cloth or hair hiding the features.)

Malfoy: AAAHHHHHHHHHH!

(Malfoy takes off running, but Heero, ever hindered by male stupidity and the need to prove himself "better" than his peers, remains behind. The figure begins to advance on him menacingly. Suddenly, a white creature appears out of the darkness right before Heero. The dark figure backs up in horror upon seeing the creature turn its head, and upon hearing...)

White Creature: ::click click click click::

Dark Figure: I'm supposed to be scared by this?

Authors: Yes! Now get off stage already!

(The dark figure leaves, muttering something about larval centaurs being the least frightening creatures in the universe.)

Gemini: Well, if the centaurs aren't scary enough for you, we could always come after you.

(She summons a mallet from hammer space with apparent relish. The figure eyes the mallet.)

Dark Figure: No, that's alright... I'll just be going now. ::he vanishes::

Heero: Hn. Who was that?

(His question is addressed to the white creature, which is, in fact, a larval centaur. It turns to him, tilting its head to one side.)

Larval Centaur: ::click click click click::

Heero: You mean that was Voldemort?

Larval Centaur: ::click click click click::

Heero: And he needs unicorn blood until he can get the Sorcerer's Stone?

M.E.: ::from off stage:: How many times must I tell you? It's PHILOSOPHER'S Stone!

Heero: ::ignoring her:: I must inform the others at once so that we may come up with a suitable plan of action.

Blue Jeans: Does anyone else find it strange that Heero managed to get all that information from a conversation consisting mostly of clicks?

LoU: Not really. I mean, come on, Heero speaks grunt, doesn't he? I don't see why he shouldn't understand head clicking.

Blue Jeans: I guess you're right.

Narrator: Heero, true to his word, immediately began assembling an audience to whom he could impart his discovery. This audience consisted exclusively of Hermione, and Ron, who Heero helped to escape from the hospital wing.

Ron: Am I the only one noticing the strange irony of the role reversal here?

Hermione: Never mind that. We thought it was just Snape trying to steal the stone, but with You-Know-Who in the picture, things get a lot worse.

Ron: So what are we going to do about it?

Heero: The obvious plan of action would be to retrieve the stone ourselves.

Hermione: Just one slight problem, Heero. We can't get to it!

Ron: Yeah! We can't even get past the dog man!

Heero: Then it logically follows that Voldemort can't get to the stone either.

Narrator: Heero's statement could not be refuted, and so the three students were forced to drop the subject and pay attention to their school lives and the new danger that had snuck up on them almost unawares: final exams.

Ron: NOOOO!! Spare me!

Narrator: Ron's plea went ignored, and, after much toil and many hours spent trying to concentrate in hot classrooms, final exams passed.

Hermione: Well, that wasn't so bad.

Neville: Speak for yourself.

Ron: Have any of you seen my brain? It vanished during the middle of the History of Magic exam; said something about a coffee break and just took off, and it hasn't come back yet.

Hermione: ::ignoring Ron:: Oh, look! There's Hagrid.

(Sure enough, Hagrid is sitting on the steps, reading through what looks like a letter of some kind.)

Ron: What's that, Hagrid?

Hagrid: It's a letter from yer sister Charlie.

Ron: Why would she be writing to you?

Hagrid: Well, I always like ta keep in touch with her. She's kind of a kindred spirit, yeh know, red hair, fangs, and a pyromaniac like me... But now, she's writin' ta me about Norbertina.

(He does not notice the shudder that passes through the three listeners upon hearing the name of the dragon they had hoped never to bother with again.)

Hagrid: Well, now she's askin' me about the guy I got Norbertina from. Hope she doesn't want ta arrest him or anythin'.

Hermione: Hagrid, what exactly was the guy like?

Hagrid: I dunno. I never saw his face. But we fell ta talkin' abut dangerous critters, and I told him about Fluffy.

(Heero, Ron, and Hermione exchange significant looks upon hearing this. Hermione prepares to launch into her "Why you should never trust strangers with their faces covered" speech, but Ron cuts her off.)

Ron: Did he ask a lot about Fluffy?

Hagrid: Well o' course he did. Wanted ta know how yeh could control a thing like that. But I told him, all yeh had ta do was get that girl what put the necklace on 'im ta say "Sit!", and he'd give yeh no trouble.

Narrator: Upon hearing this, our three Heroes knew that the stone was in imminent danger, and that they had to act and act fast. Thus, it was decided that at midnight that night, they would attempt to slip past the dog man and get to the stone. However, when midnight arrived and they were trying to sneak out...

Ron: Seamus! Dean! What are you doing here?

Blue Jeans: Wait just a minute! You two aren't supposed to be here! It's Neville they're supposed to meet!

Seamus: We know, but we heard from one of the authors what was going to happen, and we really wanted to help out, right Dean?

Dean: ... (Translation: Right.)

Rapunzel: But it's contrary to the plot of the original story. Why should we let you?

Seamus: But we just want to help. ::sniff, sniff:: Please let us go with them Please?

(He turns huge, sparkling eyes on the authors, and the air fills with bubbles as he attempts to win them over.)

Blue Jeans: Must resist. Must resist!

LoU: Who would have thought that a guy could be so good at the Patented Sensitive Bishoujo Stare?

Seamus: Pleeeaaaase?

(The air becomes thick with bubbles.)

M.E.: Turn off the bubble machine!

Gemini: Wun'eful, uh wun'erful!

Rapunzel: What did I tell you abut the Stan Freeburg references?! Et tu, Gemini?

(While Rapunzel is scolding her co-authors, Blue Jeans finally breaks down.)

Blue Jeans: Oh, very well, you can go.

Narrator: The Heroic trio (and Friends) left the Gryffindor common room, using their Skills of Stealthyness to sneek past the ever viligent Miss Norris.

Hermione: Ss! Ron! Don't taunt her from the shadows! Heero and I have already gotten detention once, we really _don't_ need to tempt fate!

Ron: Aw, you're no fun...

Narrator: And so they continued onward... Onward through the dim cooridors, past doors leading to Mysterious Ends, through puddles with Unknown Compostions, by Squishy Things that–

Seamus: Eek! Stop that! You're scaring me.

Narrator: Sorry, just trying to instill a Forboding Sense of Doom.

Seamus: Well, you're _not_ helping.

Narrator: Sorry-

Seamus: I really don't know what the world's coming to when not-quite-innocent students can't sneak down the halls in the middle of the night without someone trying to instill them with a Forboding Sense of Doom.

Narrator: I said I was sorry!

Seamus: Well just don't let me catch you doing it again, alright?

Narrator: ...alright...

(They all come to a stop, having reached their final destination: the door leading to corridor on the third floor. Heero is about to push the door open when they hear a noise. They immediately scatter, taking to the shadows.)

Peeves: I know I heard someone around here... come out and show yourselves! Students aren't supposed to be wandering the halls at night.

Ron (from the shadows): But Peeves, how are we supposed to become good little delinquent students if we never break the rules?

Peeves: Hey, well, I guess you do have a point there... Students out of bed? What students out of bed? I see no students...

(He floats off down the hall, t